05 September 2017

I Don't Know How To Be Me Without You

"Don't even finish that sentence!" I had just finished explaining what happened the night before, and instead of collecting my feelings properly - I verbal diarrheaed them all over Matthew. I also might have mentioned that we should take some time apart...

"Matt, I-"

"You what, Tor? You love me, and I love you. Who cares about what some drunk psycho has to say. I told you I never liked that girl. We live together. We're a family. You don't abandon your family Victoria."

"I'm not abandoning you."

"You're abandoning us." He turned to walk away from me. "And I think that's worse."

I heard the bedroom door slam shut and I sank back down into the couch and the tears just poured out. I didn't want to leave Matt or our relationship- I just process things better when I'm alone. And sometime I talk before I think. I sat in silence for what felt like hours but was probably less than 3 minutes when I decided it was time to finish this conversation.

I pushed open the bedroom door to find Matt sitting on the edge of the bed - staring out the window. "I can't deal with this right now, Tor."

"You need to let me talk."

Matt took a deep breath. His shoulders rising and falling with a deep sigh. "Talk."

"I'm not abandoning you. I'm not abandoning us. I'm not going anywhere." I felt extremely awkward talking to the back of his head, so I walked around the bed and sat on the floor directly in front of him. Even if he didn't look me in the eyes, I was somewhat in his view. "The words came out wrong. It's not everyday that someone attacks your character, you know?"

Matt finally made eye contact with me but quickly looked away and remained silent. I hate being ignored and given the silent treatment - I think it's he ultimate sign of disrespect and Matt know this very well - so I stood up and walked out of the room. "We'll talk when you cool off."

I made my way to the kitchen and did everything I could to keep myself busy. I washed the dishes that were left in the sink. I scrubbed the stove top. I folded the blankets on the couch and fluffed the pillows. I did a load of laundry. I re-folded the blanket on the couch and re-fluffed the pillows. At some point I dozed off and when I woke up Matt was sitting on the coffee table staring at me.

"Why do you always take it out on me?"

"Huh?"

"This isn't the first time this has happened Tor, and I'm scared it's not the last time either." He ran his hands through his hair. It's getting longer now, and it's so sexy when it falls in front of his eyes - but I digress.

"Matt!" I practically jumped. I sat up straight with my knees in between his - face to face. "I honestly don't even know how to answer that."

"Don't get me wrong, I understand what you're feeling and I hate her for ever making you question who you are and where you came from. It just proves how immature she is. Instead of being happy for you, for us, she feels the need to tear you down emotionally - she knows that's where it hurts the most. You need to eliminate her from you life Tor, or you're never going to move past it."

I nodded. Everything he said was spot on.

"Have I ever made you feel that way?"

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Why can't you just let me love you?" His eyes locked with mine, and I swear he was looking right into my soul. My eyes started to water when I saw that his were too. "From the first day we met I knew I wanted to be with you forever. I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither were you. We met on fucking Tinder. But I knew from day one that I needed you in my life. I fought hard for you. You didn't make it easy, but you finally gave in to me and that was probably the best day of my life. We've been through so much together. So much. So many ups and downs. Last year, when we broke up - it proved everything I'd ever known. I didn't know how to be me without you. I don't want to be the me that I am without you. So if you're going to leave, know that I'll put up a fight. I'll fight for you until the day I die. My last words will be telling you how much I love you and how much you've made me love living life with you."

Never in our years together have I seen Matt cry. NEVER. Until that morning. I slowly slid off of the couch and onto his lap. I wasn't too sure if the coffee table was going to hold both of us - but I really didn't care. I wiped the tears he will for sure refuse he ever shed and kissed both of his cheeks lightly.

Matt stood up slowly, careful not to drop me as he carried me away, and I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist. He laid me back gently on to our bed and we spent the rest of the day in a deep passionate bond. We didn't say a word but our bodies communicated perfectly. There are so many things that I wish I could say to him, but it's never been easy for me to translate my feelings into words.

So we're all good - I don't know why I always put myself down - or my relationship. I hate that I make him feel that way. It breaks my heart every time I see him hurting and I know it's because of me. He's truly such a saint for putting up with my crazy ass.
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17 August 2017

Old Habits Die Hard

My life has been drama free for quite a while now.

Obviously that's not normal Tori behavior, so that all changed this past weekend. {Side note - I hate how my Canadian spelling always gets autocorrected!!} Anyways, Chloe, Sophia, Jenn and me had a huge fight. HUGE. I think the last time I mentioned Chloe was when her and Liam hung out with us that one time...ugh.

Well, Saturday night, was girl's night. The girl's consisting of Jenn, Sophia, Caroline and myself. We decided on doing something low key because obviously Sophia is pregnant and we want her to take it easy. I think we're being more paranoid than her, but I think we're all a little scarred. Caroline mentioned a super boujee event that her brother Jason was working {he does private security for events across the city} so we decided to crash that after dinner.

Jason is a total hottie by the way. Can we just take a moment of silence to appreciate all the hotties in the world... Damn. Now, me and Matt are very secure in our relationship, and we both know our limits when it comes to flirting. In our opinions, flirting is completely acceptable and innocent. Especially when it's with a friend's brother - who knows about your super committed relationship to a beast of a man that could squish him with one hand. I'm not going to lie though, Jason might give Matt a fair fight - he's pretty beastly himself.

Jason is the total opposite of Matt though. He's a ginger, with freckles spread across his slightly sun burned pale ass skin. Where as Matt has an olive complexion and dark hair. Plus Jason gives off major sweet heart vibes - where as Matt comes across as a total bad ass when you first meet him. But like I said, their statures are very similar. Tall. Muscular. Just over all big men.

It was about half way through the night when I received a text from Chloe asking what we were up to and if she could join. She didn't usually send texts so urgently so I thought maybe she needed an escape from Liam. I told her where we were and she said she would grab an Uber and head over. We were only about 10 minutes away from her condo, but she didn't show up until over an hour later... already drunk.

Normally, bouncers won't let you in to any event space when you're intoxicated, but because Jason knows us, he let her in if we promised to keep her quiet. That task proved to be impossible though. She wasn't even inside for 5 minutes before she got into a fight with one of the servers because she wanted "grilled cheese hot dogs" and obviously - that's not a real thing. Did I ever mention how she's an angry drunk? Needless to say - we were all asked to leave.

"Get her home safe." Jason said as he hugged us all goodbye.

"We will. Thanks for everything." Jenn hugged him back. "Will you get in trouble for this?"

"Nah. I'll just pretend she's some crazy lady that snuck in through the back." Jason said with a giggle and a wink as he hugged me. He didn't immediately let go of the hug, and held me close to him for a bit too long. Of course that just gave Chloe more fuel.

"Well, I hope Matt knows you're banging Caroline's brother." She spat out as we piled in to the Uber.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

Jenn sighed. "Go to sleep, Chloe. No one wants to deal with you right now."

The Uber driver kept quiet, but I could see him eyeing us - he probably thought fists were going to fly.

"Oh please. Tell me you guys didn't see that? They clearly have extreme sexual tension." Chloe continued. "I knew it was a matter of time before you fucked up another relationship, Tor."

I went silent. This wasn't the first time Chloe attacked my character, and my ability to make relationships work. Was she right though? Was I going to fuck everything up? Was I going to hurt Matt? Was it only a matter of time?

I must have blacked out while going through all of these questions, because we were pulled over to the side of the road. Jenn was yelling at Chloe - who was sitting on the curb, Sophia was leaning against the car, and Caroline {who was sitting in the front seat} was turned around staring at me. I immediately started to apologize to her and the driver. I told him if he wanted to leave us, he could, be he insisted on getting us home safe. Caroline didn't say anything, but I knew what she was thinking.

"I'm not sleeping with your brother." I half choked up.

"I didn't think that even for a second." She smiled and turned to face the front again. "He's gay."

"This has to be my most interesting night." The Uber driver chimed in. The three of us burst out laughing.

Jenn came over to see what was going on, and informed us that she had ordered another car to take Tori home. She wanted to leave her there but Soph insisted that we wait until the car came to make sure she was safe.

I didn't dare go into the bedroom when I got home. I just didn't feel right being next to Matt. I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't stop my brain. I kept replaying what Chloe said over and over. "I knew it was a matter of time before you fucked up another relationship."

Matt woke me up around 9 the next morning, and asked how my night was.

"We need to talk." Was all I could say.
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11 July 2017

Babies

It's finally sunny!

Guys, we have had so much rain over the last few months that I feel like I forgot what sunshine looks like. And you know what, it really does have a huge affect on your mood. I can feel myself being so much less moody and tired all the time as the weather is slowly changing. Also, there's been so much flooding - very rare for Toronto.

Anyways, now that I've updated y'all on the weather.. Sophia is preggers!!

And what's even more amazing - she's having twins! I don't think we've cried together as much as we have in the last year. I'm so beyond happy for her and Paul, and I could not believe the news when they told us. At first I know it was super emotional for the both of them, but now they've started to get more excited and less nervous. She's about 4 months along now, and she's already starting to show so much. I think they wanted to keep it a secret until they knew this pregnancy was healthy, but they couldn't hide it anymore. And when they found out it was twins - there was no keeping that a secret!

The doctors have assured her that the babies are both very healthy, and are growing at a normal rate, but she will most likely have to be monitored very closely for the last few months. They will also be planning for an early birth - at the rate these babies are growing, her tiny frame might not be able to house them until full term. We've been praying non-stop for a healthy pregnancy and delivery for both Sophia and the babies.

"I think we should have two babies too." Matt slurred to me on our way home from Soph's house one night.

I stared at him blankly. "You what?"

"Two babies." He nodded. Matt and Danny decided it would be a good idea to bring a few bottles of Scotch and a pack of cigars over to Paul, to celebrate the good news. The three stooges were beyond drunk within the hour.

"Okay." I replied. I knew he wouldn't remember this conversation in the morning, so I just went along with it.

When we got home he practically crawled into bed and I laughed as I watched him try to unzip his sweater. It had a asymmetrical zipper - so it was extremely amusing. He eventually started snoring and I went into the kitchen to make myself a coffee. The last thing I remember was sitting on the couch and placing my cup on the coffee table.

"Tor." Matt was nudging me awake. "It's 12:30. We're gonna be late."

"What?" I opened my eyes, confused. "Where am I?"

Matt laughed. "The couch." He brushed some stray hairs away from my face and kissed me softly. "You slept like a monster."

I sat up and looked around. Pillows everywhere, some blanket {I have no idea where it came from} was tangled around my legs and my perfect ballerina bun was now a nest of bobby pins hanging from my head.

"Wow." I said, rubbing my eyes.

"Is this because of what I said last night?" Matt smirked.

"What did you say?"

"That I wanna have two babies."

I blinked three times before I spoke. "We've talked about this." I said. "We're on the same page."

"Ya I know.. I just wanna make sure you know we're not stopping at one." He stood up from the couch and for the first time I saw he wasn't wearing any clothes.

I picked up the closest pillow and threw it at his back. I was aiming for his head but I have horrible aim. In one motion he turned around, picked me up from the couch and threw me over his shoulder - legs dangling in the air as he carried me to the bedroom. He threw me down gently and climbed over me, resting all of his weight on his forearms. "We can start right now." He whispered seductively, kissing softly down my neck.

I let out a sigh and kissed him back. "We could. But you said it yourself... we're gonna be late." I rolled out from under him and watched as he collapsed where my body used to be. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You're an evil woman, Victoria."

I started to undress on my way to the bathroom. "I didn't say you couldn't come in the shower with me..." I took off my bra and whipped it at him - hitting the target this time.

Matt growled and jumped up, running behind me. I love him.
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10 May 2017

It's Official x 2

Guys!

I have some news...

Matthew and me just purchased our very own home!!!

We are beyond excited and so ready to move into a bigger space. We all know I need more closet space - and Matthew just needs space for his extra large human size period. The condo was working well for bachelor Matt, but when I decided to move my curvy little ass in - it got a little tight.

Matt and me have been discussing this for a few months now, and in the beginning I was super hesitant {obviously.. I hate change} but after sleeping on it I was totally on board. I had never purchased my own home before, so I had no idea where to even begin! Matt was leasing his condo - so he was almost as helpless as me.. almost! Our parents really helped us understand the whole process and have been so supportive. I love them.

The house is pretty close to where my parent's live - which is nice.... but not close enough that they can come over unannounced. LOL... that could end badly. It's a brand new home in a brand new neighbourhood, so it will be approximately 6 months before we can move in. BUT because it's brand new, we get to customize everything - so that makes me even more excited! Except for the fact that Matt thinks he's getting a "man cave" in the basement...

I kind of think Sophia might be preggers again. Her and Paul have been acting really weird lately. Almost as weird as when they found out they were pregnant the first time. I really hope they decided to try again! And I'm praying for nothing but perfect health for her and this little nugget.. it would kill me to see her go through something so traumatic again. She of course hasn't told us anything yet, and I would never bring it up, but me and Jenn have our suspicions.

Oh and.. Jenn and Danny are dating again. FINALLY!!! They've decided to take things super slow, which is fine - but they have had "the talk" and are completely and totally together. I can't say that things are back to normal but it's getting there.

I feel like everyone is still walking on eggshells around Jenn - as if they're scared Danny is going to hurt her again. And if I'm being completely honest - I disagree. I've come to know Danny as if he was my own brother, and I can honestly say with my whole heart that he is one thousand percent committed to Jenn and they're future together. They'll definitely be married before Matt and me! {Plus he knows that if he even thinks about hurting her again, both me and Matt will end his life.}

As for Daniel {my brother - I know some of you still get confused on who's who!} he's living the bachelor life. Him and Danny are still living together, but he's thinking of taking over Matt's lease so he can have his own space. I don't think that's a horrible idea. I mean - he did try to date Jenn while her and Danny weren't together, so it could get awkward up in there.

I honestly don't know how all of us crazies ended up together!
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12 April 2017

Left You Hanging

You guys... I didn't even realize that I left you hanging. This whole time I thought I had told y'all about Jenn and her little love triangle - but I guess I wrote that post in my head!

Anyways.. Jenn and Nick did end things. Surprisingly enough he was the one to do it. Jenn had been completely honest with him from the very beginning about Danny and the way that everything had ended with him - and Nick said he knew from the moment that Danny walked in to our home that night, that Jenn and him had a lot of unresolved feelings. He didn't want to be the guy caught in the middle, so he ended things with Jenn shortly after.

It's an unfortunate situation because Nick is such a great guy and he really helped Jenn through a lot. I think they both grew more as stronger, individual people than as a couple - which is totally cool. I feel like everyone needs a relationship like that. I just hope there's no hard feelings between them because Jenn really is one of the sweetest girls I know. I have a new found respect for Nick too, he was able to put his feelings aside to help someone else- you don't find that too often these days! Him and Matt are probably going to keep in touch though.. Matt always gets too attached.

As for Danny... Jenn is making him sweat! I kind of always had this feeling that they would end up back together. I was obviously waiting for the time to be right between the two of them. Danny really did a number on her and I don't blame her for not jumping right back into his arms. To my knowledge, they haven't been alone together yet, but they have been communicating via text / the occasional phone call, and they have been to the movies a few times with Matt and me.

I've spoken to Danny more about it than Jenn, which is surprising to me. She's being very hush hush about everything, planning and making decisions in her own mind. I know she's really struggling with this. On one hand she's so in love with him it hurts to not be with him, but on the other hand - what he did to her is completely unforgivable in her eyes. If I was in her shoes I'd probably move to another country. But y'all know me.. I like to run away from my problems.

Danny on the other hand has been struggling to keep things to himself, and likes to share his thoughts and feelings with Matt and me. He loves her. There's no doubt in my mind - or his. He's also been very vocal about that with her, which I don't think is the best at this point in time. I told him that too, and he proceeded to argue with me...

"But, I love her. She needs to know that." Danny pleaded.

"No. She needs to know that you're there for her. That you'll always be there. That you won't run away scared again and break her into a million pieces. She barely recovered last time. She needs to know that you won't pull that shit again. I don't think she'll survive if you do."

Danny was silent for a while before whispering to Matt. "I hate when she's right."

Matt is being super impatient about it too - more so than Danny. Matt doesn't like tension or awkwardness, and I can't lie, it is a little awkward when it's just us and them. He just wants everything to be "back to normal" as he puts it. I have no doubt that it will happen soon enough, but I'm giving Jenn mad props on not giving in to her emotions though.

Anyways, for now that's all I've got.. hopefully another update soon!
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06 March 2017

Beavis & Butthead

"I can't eat any more broccoli."

I took one look at Matt's face and died of laughter. He looked just like a child that found out Santa Claus wasn't real. {spoiler alert} But I instantly felt bad. He wasn't the unhealthy one, he doesn't have to eat the way I do.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to eat like me.. I'll make something different for you."

Matt shook his head and wrapped his arms around me. "No. I'm doing this with you. It's good for both of us.. just no more broccoli for a while. K?"

"Yea, okay." I nodded. I have been over doing it..  My nonna {grandmother} gave me so much broccoli and I was trying to find new ways to cook it so it doesn't go to waste. But I guess Matt didn't appreciate that too much. Little does he know I put some in his smoothie this morning... Broccoli in the morning makes for a healthy day!

Life has been super boring these last few days.. hence why I haven't posted. We've been staying in and really putting our health first.. which makes for boring blogging! But.. if y'all want me to share some healthy but tasty recipes- let a girl know!

I haven't talked about work in a while, so I thought I would share some funny stories from the last few months.

Do you y'all remember Kevin? I've only written about him once, here. Well, he and I used to be really close. Ever since that incident though, he's been distant. I'm definitely 100% to blame for that though. He made me feel like a piece of shit, during a time that I was already going through something, and I haven't been able to forgive him. He's known me forever and he should have known better than to attack my personality. Anyways... him and David are now bffs and have become man whores. I mean.. Kevin kind of always was one, but not David.

Personally, I think it's hilarious. David has never been very confident around women, so I guess adopting this friendship with Kevin has transformed him. Dave and me still share and office, so he fills me in pretty much every Monday morning on their weekend adventures and I can't say that I don't look forward to hearing it... it's pretty amusing. I've nicknamed them Beavis and Butthead because 1. they look like them, and 2. they're both morons.

Also, they hired this new girl. Well, she's older so I guess we'll call her a woman. Her name is Galina, which in Italian means chicken, but she's Russian so I hope it means something different. I could never imagine naming my child "Chicken". She's also one of the meanest women I have ever met in my life! She doesn't like me very much because I challenge her authority - well, the authority she thinks she has - she really has none.

Dave and me have made it our mission to annoy her as much as possible. Sometimes we catch her swearing in Russian under her breath and we just kill ourselves laughing. I'm normally a very respectful person, especially when it comes to people older than me, but not when the respect isn't returned. I find it very hard to control myself when you treat me like a piece of shit.

Anyways, I'm hoping to have more fun posts for you guys soon. Feel free to leave me some questions / comments / concerns down below... I wanna chat with y'all!!
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06 February 2017

Healthy Tori?

"You never think."

Those three words were enough to set me over the edge. I'd been extra hormonal lately and angry and snappy towards everyone.

"I never think?" I shot back. "I'm not the one that asked my sister's best friend out on a date, right after she broke up with the love of her life slash your best friend slash your room mate. You're a triple moron."

Daniel looked me dead in the eye and said nothing. We fight all the time. We're siblings. But he knew I was right. I might have messed up by nothing telling him that Jenn was over and not to bring Danny, but he could have asked too!

"What is wrong with you? Why are you so bitchy these days?"

I sighed and shrugged. "Hormones are out of whack."

"Did you go to the doctor?"

"No, I took a whole bunch of pregnancy tests though..." His eyes locked with mine again. "I'm not."

"Well you should still go to the doctor. Sometimes the tests are wrong, and if not, there could be something else going on. It's good to go get checked."

I thought about what he said for a while and realized that he was right. I really should have gone to the doctor from the beginning. I decided to call up the office and make an appointment for the next afternoon. When I told Matt that I was going, he insisted on coming with me - I'm not really sure why, but while we were waiting in the doctor's office, I was suddenly thankful I wasn't alone.

We waited for over an hour before the secretary finally called my name, and another 45 minutes inside the examination room. If I had been waiting there alone, I would have gone crazy. My doctor finally walked into the room and of course wanted all of the gossip on Matt. She's been my doctor since pretty much birth, so she's always curious on what's going on in my life.

She's pretty cool for a doctor. She's probably about 5 foot tall, on a good day, with a very petite frame. She wears her hair in a platinum blonde bob {I've never seen one hair out of place} and is always rocking the same red lipstick. She has to be close to 60 years old by now, but doesn't look a day over 45.

After catching her up, she finally asked what brought me in, and I explained all of the symptoms I'd been having. I told her about the mood swings, about being overly emotional, late periods, everything. She nodded as she wrote it all down in my little file and then looked up at me and smiled.

"Well, I know you did some, but I will have you do a proper pregnancy test. A lot of the at-home ones are inaccurate. I'll have you do some other blood work in the meantime so that if it comes back negative, we have something to fall back on. I really don't see anything serious going on, it could just be your body changing as you start to age."

I sat there silent for a few minutes as I processed. "...as you start to age." I eventually snapped out of it and agreed to go through with all of the testing. They took ten vials of blood, made me pee in a cup and sent me on my way. I was told I would have results within 3-5 days.

The next 3 days were pure torture. I don't suffer from anxiety in the way that Jenn does, she's pretty severe, but I do have the occasional panic attack. Especially when things are outside of my control. But Tuesday morning, bright an early, my phone rang. My doctor's office doesn't call unless there is something wrong with you- if your blood work comes in clean, you don't get a phone call.

The secretary asked me to come in when I could, so that the doctor could go over the results with me. Insert shark attack music here. I started to panic a tiny bit, but chose not to tell Matt. He was already so worried, and so stressed with work that I didn't want to bother him anymore, so I told her I would go that afternoon, on my lunch break.

I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before going in to try and calm myself. I figured whatever she was going to tell me was serious enough for me to be called in so I needed to brace myself. She took me into her office as soon as I walked in. The waiting room was surprisingly empty and I later found out that this was actually her lunch hour.

She smiled when she saw the nervous look on my face. "You can breathe, Victoria. It's nothing serious. Well it could be if you don't take care of yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well for starters, you're not pregnant. Your blood work came back with quite a few red flags though." She looked at me from over her glasses. "You're deficient in almost every vitamin possible, Victoria. Do you not eat?"

"I eat." I laughed. My curvalicious frame had to give that away.

"Well you're definitely not eating the right things. All B vitamins, low. Iron, low. Vitamin D, low. Do you want me to go on?"

"Not really." I blushed.

"I know you probably don't want to hear it from me, seeing as I'm not your parent, but I have been a part of your entire life, so I want to see you healthy. All of these things are contributing to your mood swings, your late periods, and probably why you haven't conceived. Which brings me to my next point. If you and.. was it Matthew?" I nodded. "If you and Matthew are thinking of conceiving, that's great, but if you're just being careless with protection, we should discuss birth control options."

"No. We're not trying. But we're not not trying. If that makes sense."

"Okay. So you're both prepared to bring a child into the world, should it happen?"

"Absolutely." I smiled. Matthew was the one sure thing I had in my life.

"Well, in that case, I would really focus on changing your eating habits. I'll have Stacey {the secretary} print you out a list of foods that you should be eating, and a list of things to avoid. I want to see you back here in three months for a follow up and we'll do blood work again."

"Okay." I nodded.

"You really need to stick to this, Victoria. You'll notice a huge difference in a few weeks if you do."

"I will." I said as I stood up. "Thank you."

She smiled and started writing notes in my file again, so I took that as my cue to leave. Stacey gave me a few booklets worth of information, and a shopping list for the next few days. I quickly glanced over it when I got in the car and I knew this was going to be a challenge. But I think it will be something good for both me and Matt. We've both been so bad when it comes to food.

I decided to wait until I got home to tell Matt the news. He's so happy that everything's okay, but a little less than thrilled about our new menu options. We've been eating differently for almost a week now, and I have to admit, we both feel it. I feel so much less bloated, and I have an insane amount of energy.

I've never really taken my health seriously, even growing up, but I think it's time I grow up and take care of myself. I guess we'll see what happens!
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25 January 2017

Nick's Great

I decided not to tell Jenn about the whole pregnancy scare. I mean, she might read this blog and find out but we'll deal with that later. I just didn't want Sophia to know, and I didn't want to put pressure on Jenn to try and hide it, you know?

Speaking of Sophia.. her and Paul just celebrated their first anniversary! It was a bittersweet moment. We had planned on taking them out to celebrate, but Matt had to go brag about his stupid VR system so everyone ended up at our place. Ladies in the kitchen and boys playing video games. I have to admit some of the games are pretty cool, especially if your a little tipsy. But Matt is still a half cripple so he didn't get too much action... from the game.

I debated for a really long time about whether or not to invite Chloe. She hadn't reached out anymore, and I wasn't too sure she would even come. After running it by Sophia and Jenn, we decided to invite her and her "Liam". Do you guys remember her boyfriend Liam?... the guy who wears socks and sandals? What a tool!

Jenn and Nick, Sophia and Paul, Matthew and me, Chloe and Liam. What. A. Night.

First of all, Liam was at a huge disadvantage because Nick, Matt and Paul obviously all know each other and they're super tight. Coming in to that bromance would be rough on anyone. By the time Chloe and Liam arrived, the guys were already getting rowdy in the next room.

Chloe hugged me tight and thanked me for inviting her and I could tell it was sincere. She introduced everyone else to Liam, and he said hi. He was pretty polite the whole night, but very quiet and only spoke when spoken to. I feel bad for Chloe. She used to be so bubbly and outgoing, and I feekl like this guy has just sucked the life out of her. But you can't help someone who won't help themselves.. you know?

They left pretty early in the evening, and then I got a text from my brother asking if it was okay that he passed by. He didn't know anyone was over and I completely forgot to mention it. So he shows up to the door with beer... and Danny! My heart almost fell out of my ass. I tried to get Danny to leave before anyone saw him but it happened so quickly. Danny and Jenn locked eyes. Jenn glanced over at me and I mouthed "sorry" but I could see her crumbling behind her tough exterior.

Daniel {my brother} and Danny {Matt's brother} made their rounds saying hi to everyone and giving their congrats to Sophia and Paul. No one was really paying attention though, everyone's eyes were on Jenn and Danny.

Daniel pulled me into a hug and whispered. "What the fuck, Tor. A little heads up would have been nice."

"I didn't even think.." I was cut off my Jenn pulling me towards the bedroom.

I closed the door behind us and sat beside her on the edge of the bed. "I can't do this."

Verbal diarrhea. "Jenny. I'm so sorry. I didn't even think that he would have brought him. He asked if he could come by, he didn't even mention Danny and .. oh my God Jenny I'm so sorry."

"Tor.. shut up." She stared at me blankly. "I don't care that he's here. I just .. I thought I would be okay with seeing him again. I mean, I have Nick."

"Nick's great!" I said.

"Yea..." Jenn sighed. "But he's not Danny."

"Oh boy." I fell backwards, resting my head on the bed behind me. Jenn followed.

"I know. I'm so messed up."

"So what are we going to do?" I asked.

"I need to break up with Nick." Jenn said matter of factly. "I've been thinking about this for a while. I really like him, but something is missing."

"Okay." I sighed. "And what about Danny?"

"I don't know." We were both silent for a while. "He hurt me really bad, Tor."

"I know."

"I don't know if I could recover from that again."

"Well, you don't have to make any decisions tonight. We should get back out there though. I'll ask Danny to leave, but you should probably talk to Nick. As soon as possible."

"Yea..."

Jenn followed me out to meet everyone else, and we saw that Danny had already left. Apparently Matt told him to go home when he saw Jenn pull me into the bedroom. He's so observant that man of mine. I've only spoken to Danny once since the weekend, and he's been extremely apologetic. It's not his fault though, he had no idea she was there.

I have no idea what Jenn is going to do, but you know I'm going to keep you all posted!
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18 January 2017

This Can Not Happen Right Now

I've been feeling extremely emotional and hormonal the last few weeks, and that's so not me. I tried eating different, I tried meditating and doing more yoga, but I just couldn't shake it. I tried to think of any possible reason that my body was changing and the only common denominator was pregnancy. My period was super late too, so all signs pointed to baby.

Matt pulled in to the Shoppers parking lot at exactly 11:59 pm.{They close at midnight.} The blonde haired teen that tried to tell us that they were closed didn't stand a chance against Matt. As soon as he flashed those pearly whites he had her under his spell. She didn't look away from him for the whole three minutes we were in there.

From previous experience, I knew exactly what I was looking for and what aisle I had to raid, so I left Matt at the front with his new bff. I grabbed what I needed - and a lot of what I didn't, and we were on our way. I don't know if it's just me.. but when I go to Shoppers or Walmart I can never leave without spending at least $100 on useless stuff.

Matt pulled out of the parking lot and pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru. I looked over at him and he smiled sweetly, grabbing my knee for reassurance. Matt hates McDonald's so I knew he was trying to get me to cheer up. I hadn't said 2 words since we left Shoppers, and I barely looked at him. The stress of the whole situation was weighing so heavy on me. And, as you guys obviously know- I close up and get in my head when I start stressing.

When we got home, Matt put the Shoppers bag on the table, and sat beside me on the couch. I was sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest, staring at my nuggets on the coffee table. I couldn't even eat them- I had lost my appetite.

"You don't have to take it tonight." He whispered.

I didn't respond. I stared blankly at those damn nuggets until my eyes became waterfalls.

He pulled me into him and kissed my head as he rubbed my back. He didn't say anything. You can tell if your man really loves you when you start blowing snot bubbles from crying so hard and he doesn't get grossed out.

"Matt, this can't happen right now." I cried harder.

"I know. But, Tor..." He took a shaky breath. "I love you."

It's not that we don't want a baby. We've actually been talking about it a lot recently, and would love to bring a little Greek-Italian crazy into the world, but how could we possibly do that knowing our best friends are struggling so hard with the loss of their own.

"I just.. I don't know that I'll be happy either way." I looked up at him for the first time. Matt's eyes were glossy. He doesn't cry - he's too manly, but I knew right away he felt the same way.

If it was positive, we'd be beyond happy. But we would have the constant worry of hurting our friends even more than they already are. But if it was negative it would mean that the little burning excitement of having our own little human would be extinguished. Obviously we weren't actively trying to get pregnant, but the disappointment would still be there.

"I know." He said as he pulled me in tighter.

We sat like that for what felt like forever until I started to drift off into sleep. Matt was getting restless too, so we decided to go to bed and deal with reality in the morning.

I took three tests before Matt woke up. They were all negative.
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03 January 2017

Doing The Dirty

When we got home from the hospital, it was around 5 am. We were both so tired that we passed out in our clothes. I woke up around noon and snuggled close to him, throwing one leg over his torso. I wasn't fully awake yet, but Matt was. He was also butt naked. My lips met his as my hands trailed down his chest, he had somehow managed to undress himself in the middle of the night / morning, and I was not complaining. My fingers gently moved over him before pumping it just the way he likes. Matt moaned, rolling me onto my back. He tried to remove my sweater, but he has one arm in a sling, so I had to help him out. He licked around my right breast with his tongue, focusing mainly on my nipples. He moved to the left and then moved up, kissing my neck while he rolled my nipples between his callused fingers. My nails raked down his back, being careful not to touch his shoulder. I closed my eyes, enjoying the pleasure that flowed through my body.

I pulled down my yoga pants, taking my thong with them. Matt was leaning on his good side, so I straddled him again, trying not to make him do any of the work. He wasn't having it though. He pushed me back and held me down. Even with one arm out of order, he's stronger than me. I started to protest, but he covered my mouth with his. 
His fingers explored me and then he moved him self lower. His tongue licked me from top to bottom, making me shiver. My hands moved to the top of his head, pulling hard on his hair. I was close to orgasm when Matt stopped and worked his way up my body again.  He stared longingly into my eyes and thrust into me. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he moved in and out of me. He stopped moving abruptly and I could tell he was in pain, but he didn't want to show it.  I finally had enough of him trying to be strong and managed to get him on his back so I could take the lead. I stared deep into his eyes before starting up again, moving slowly, rotating my hips as I rode him in to oblivion. We both came instantly. Hard and loud. 

Neither one of us wanted to do anything, so we laid in bed naked for the rest of the afternoon. It wasn't long before we explored each other's bodies again ... and again. The last time, him finally letting me take control of him. We were on the brink of orgasm when my phone rang. I had ignored Jenn's first four calls, but a fifth had to mean it was important. 

"Hello?" I panted.

"Tor? Why are you out of breath? Oh my God are you guys doing the dirty?"

"Ew, who even says that anymore?" 

"Why are you answering your phone in the middle of sex?"

"You called five times, I assumed it was important." 

"I just hadn't heard from you all day. I got worried. I'm outside by the way." 

"Seriously?" I looked at Matt, who was amused by my awkward ass in the air phone conversation.

"Um, ya. You invited us over for dinner... remember?" No. I did not remember.

"Shit! Ya, okay, give me like ten minutes." 

"Oh no honey, you take your time." I heard her giggle before the call went dead. 

I threw my phone to the corner of the bed, and Matt asked what was up. "Well, Jenn and her man are here. I totally forgot we invited them over."

He burst out laughing and I followed. My friends don't really expect much less from me, and this was not the first time Jenn caught me in a compromising situation.... more on that later! We decided to finish off in the shower... killing two birds with one stone. Rushed to get dried off and look somewhat appropriate for company. 

I texted Jenn telling her to come up and answered the door with a towel wrapped around my still damp hair. Nick {Jenn's new man} didn't even try to hide the fact that he knew exactly what was going down a mere twenty minutes earlier, and gave me the sliest grin as we walked through the door. Jenn had no idea about Matt's fall though, so when she saw him all bandaged up she pretty much freaked out. 

We spent the rest of the night laughing away. I have to admit- I wasn't too fond of this Nick character in the beginning, but he's growing on me. He has a really witty sense of humour which I'm always drawn to in new people. Plus, I can tell by the way he looks at Jenn that he really cares about her. 

New Years Eve kind of sprung up on us, so we didn't have any plans until Sophia and Paul invited us over. they weren't in the partying mood, so they were just gonna stay in and order food - which I was totally down for. It ended up being a really nice night. We talked for hours while the guys played random board games that Paul has been saving since birth. It was really nice to see the light back in their eyes. Soph is more than a friend to me.. she's my sister and when she hurts I hurt. But seeing her laugh and smile again made me randomly burst into tears! 

Oh - have I told you guys that I do that now... I cry ALL THE TIME.  I don't know if it's my age or my hormones, but damn. I went from being a stone cold bitch to crying over a toilet paper commercial. Matt thinks he's softened me up and finds it's hilarious, but I think it really strange. I've literally had to switch to waterproof mascara! 

Anywho... I hope you all had a super fun and safe New Years Eve and I hope your 2017 kicks ass!! 
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