24 October 2016

Hard to Move On

Hi guys..

I've be debating over the last few weeks on what to do with the blog and I've decided to end it for now. Life hasn't been too exciting lately, and I just feel like I'm in some sort of funk that I can't get out of. I don't want to keep posting depressing shit but here is the latest update on my life...

Things between Matt and me have been really rocky lately. I feel like we've had so many special moments, and we have nothing but love for each other, but our tempers clash so often it's unreal. The smallest things get to us too. If I leave the light on in the closet - which I ALWAYS do, he freaks on me. If he leaves the toilet seat up - which he ALWAYS does, I lose it on him. It's the smallest, pettiest things that get us going. We're still together, we still live together, but I don't know what the future holds if we don't get over this hump.

Sophia's loss took a toll on all of us. I really didn't think it would affect us the way that it has, but we've been trying to stay strong and positive for her. She's been healing slowly, but it will definately bre hard to move on. Matt won't admit it but I know it's affected him as well. He was so excited to have a baby join the craziness of our lives. He and Paul have found this new bond though, and I guess that's a good thing... It's just crazy how one major life event has turned all our worlds upside down.

My brother Daniel and Matt's brother Danny are now living together which is weird but whatever. They've found some sort of companionship in each other that makes sense to only them. They're alike in a lot of ways I guess.. it's just weird for me that they've gotten so close.

Jenn forgot the password to her blogger account so that's why she hasn't posted anything... I don't think it was really for her anyways. Her and Danny have started talking again. I think they'll end up together {they're meant to be} but they're taking baby steps. She keeps trying to push him away but that man is a fighter! And, as much as she won't admit it - she loves being chased by him.

That's all I have for you guys. I wish it was a more positive post and I really wish I didn't have to end things but for me, right now, it feels right.

xo, Tori
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04 October 2016

So Much Sadness

It's been such a rough patch for us all these last few weeks. I was given permission to write the next little bit.. it's super personal and extremely sad.

Sophia lost the baby.

It was late Tuesday night when she called. I could barely understand what she was saying, she was crying hysterically. Paul was working late again, and she couldn't get a hold of him so she called me. I still didn't fully understand what she needed, but I jumped out of bed, got dressed and made my way to her house. I woke Matt and told him to try and locate Paul- I knew something was wrong.

When I got to their house the front door was locked and Soph wasn't answering, so I broke in through her garage. {I know the pass code, and luckily the door to go inside was unlocked.} All of the lights were off except for the light in the bedroom at the top of the stairs. I made my way upstairs, praying that everything was okay, but my gut knew it wasn't.

Nothing in life could ever prepare you for what I saw.

Her bed was full of blood. At first I thought someone broke in and tried to harm her, but then it clicked. There was a trail of droplets towards the bathroom where she was laying on the floor in the fetal position. She was quiet and still, but when she looked up and saw me she broke down again. I knelt on the floor and held her, dialing 911 at the same time.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to fall to the floor and cry with her, but I knew I had to be strong. For her sake, and mine.

The paramedics came within minutes and carried her out on a stretcher. Soph didn't want to be alone, so I traveled in the back of the ambulance with her, making all the calls I needed to make, never letting go of her hand. Matt hadn't been able to get a hold of Paul, so he got in his car and drove to Paul's office. He had fallen asleep at his desk with his cell phone of. Matt woke him up and when he told him what was going on offered to drive since Paul was in no condition to be behind the wheel. Matt told me that he cried the whole way. He felt guilty that he wasn't there for her in the last few months, but he's been taking on extra work to bring in more money for their growing family. Matt and Paul never really got along, but Matt instantly felt a lifelong bond growing between them.

They arrived at the hospital 20 minutes after us, and they already had Soph hooked up to so many machines. Paul freaked out when he saw her like that. She lost so much blood that she needed a small transfusion plus an IV to keep her hydrated. They were still doing tests to verify that she did in fact lose the baby.

We all knew what happened, but no one could say it.

After almost 2 hours, Matt and me decided to leave the hospital and let Soph get some rest. Her parents had shown up and Paul hadn't left her side once. She was in good hands. I called Jenn to let her know what was going on, and she offered to go to Soph's house to clean up. I didn't even think of that so I told her I would meet her there.

I don't think I cried until we were finished cleaning. Matt tried to console me, but I think I was just too tired and sad to even know what was going on. I had never seen Soph in such pain and with so much sadness in her eyes. Poor Jenn was so out of the loop too that she just sat there stunned.

The rest of the week went by like a blur. They didn't discharge Soph for another two days. The doctor wanted to keep her in for both physical and mental observation. Paul kept us up to date with everything, and we met her at the house when she was finally able to come home.

We had to plan a funeral for their baby girl. {They named her Liliana.} It wasn't a full sized funeral, but a blessing and a burial with just the closest family members. When a miscarriage happens passed the six month mark it is considered a stillbirth, and it is up to the family to decide the next steps.

I've spoken with Sophia and Paul every night since and she's still extremely devastated, but she's not in much physical pain anymore. I don't know how long it will take her to heal from this, but I hope it doesn't stop her from trying again.

This whole experience has made me realize that Paul really does love her endlessly. He's been by her side since that night. He hasn't gone back to work and if he has to leave for food or any reason he makes sure that someone is home with her and always has his phone on. I feel horrible for ever doubting Paul and his love for Sophia.
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