12 January 2016

Plan B

"I'm usually so careful about that." Matt is so overly obsessed with condoms it's unreal. I know a lot of men that hate using them, but Matt is not one of them. He's so paranoid sometimes.

"It was the heat of the moment.. it's okay." Matt wrapped me in his arms again. He had not let me go since the night before.

"You need to take something. Don't they have a pill or something you can take?"

I pulled away from him and turned to look him in the face. "Wait a second..what would you do if I got pregnant?"

Confusion flashed across his eyes and for a second I was amused, but still curious. "Probably freak out. But then I guess I would be okay with it. Do you want to be pregnant?"

"I mean.. If I was, I wouldn't get rid of it. That's one hundred percent not an option for me." The fact that Matt and me would actually be okay with having a child kind of freaked me out, so I pushed it to the back of my mind. "But I'm still gonna get the pill." I said matter of factly.

Matt picked me up and brought me to his lap, passion in his eyes. "Might as well take advantage."

I started rubbing my body against his slowly, feeling him getting harder and harder. Matt was squeezing my butt with one hand so I took the other and started stroking myself with it, getting us both ready for more. I reached into his boxers and pulled him out as he gently lifted me up and lowered my body on to his.

There's something so empowering about riding a guy to oblivion. Watching him as he watches himself move in and out of you. Seeing all ranges of emotions flash across his face. Controlling every movement, every speed, every inch of him. Matt took my nipple, one in his hand, and one in his mouth, and caressed them with just the right amount of pressure to bring me over the edge. I came so hard that I fell down on to his body trying to catch my breath. Matt flipped me on to my back and continued to thrust into me that I was already on my second orgasm before I finished the first.

"You still haven't told me you loved me." Matt spat out between thrusts.

"I...do." Was all I could get out.

"Say it, Tor."


"Say it."

I yelled out "I LOVE YOU!" {along with some other profanities.. my vocabulary is not very lady like} as Matt thrust into me one last time and filled me with everything he had.

Matt fell on top of me, both of us panting, and we didn't move for what felt like a very long time. We eventually did get out of bed though. We showered together {like, actually showered} and he drove me to the pharmacy. We picked up the pill and got a quick lunch before I had to go and fulfill my bridesmaid duties. When saying our goodbyes, Matt held on to me tighter than usual.

"Call me when you're finished, okay?"

"Yes, sir!"

"I'm serious, Tor! The lady said you're gonna feel really sick later on tonight- maybe you should sleep at my place."

"Matthew, I'll be fine. I promise."

"I love you, Tor. I wouldn't even suggest you take the pill- it's just.."

"I love you, too." I said, as I kissed his lips to shut him up. I knew exactly what he was going to say. I had been saying it to myself all morning.

Matt grinned from ear to ear. "You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that."

Before I went in to Sophia's house, I sat in the car and just had a moment to myself. I was really happy about reconciling with Matthew. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest. I took the pill before I went inside. A part of me really didn't want to, but I did. I also spent all night on the phone with Matt while I had my head in the toilet puking my brains out. He lectured me about how I should have stayed at his place and not been so stubborn- so I guess we're back to our old selves. Would it be completely horrible if Matthew and me had a baby? Probably. But I couldn't help but think that this all happened for a reason...

11 January 2016

Broken Promises

“You can’t just call me all the time and send me texts like that and expect me not to react.” I yelled.

“Victoria! Are you serious? I said I still love you and you’re fighting me.”

“Matthew!” I said bitterly.  “YOU are the one that broke up with ME. YOU are the one that couldn’t handle MY opinions. YOU are not allowed to love ME.” 

At this point I was crying. I cry a lot these days. I try and act like shit doesn’t bother me but it does. I don’t eat properly. I don’t sleep properly. I’m not myself. Add the constant harassment by what is supposed to be my ex boyfriend and you have a recipe for one emotionally unstable human being.

Matt stood there in silence. I could see that he was fuming on the inside. When he gets angry he looks like a bull about to charge. If we were a cartoon there would be steam shooting from his already flared nostrils. “Tor…”

“No. We did this. We talked. We agreed. We did this already.”

“That doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Nothing ever will. And you clearly feel the same. Weren’t you the one that said you wouldn’t fight with someone you didn’t have hope for? That love that is worth fighting for is love that’s worth having?”

“Do you even understand what you’re doing to me? How am I supposed to move on with my life if you keep pulling me back in?”

“You seriously want to move on?” His eyes changed from anger to pure sadness.

I sighed. “No. But I have to, and so do you.”

“We can make this work, Tor.” He placed his hands on either side of my face making me look up at him. “I believe in us.”

“Matt… please.” I was a blubbering mess at this point. He lifted my chin and placed the softest kiss on my lips.

“Don’t give up, Tor.”

I nodded into his chest and shivered as he picked me up and carried me inside. All of a sudden I was aware of how intensely cold it was outside. He carried me all the way into his bedroom and placed me so gently on the bed. I was actually shaking at this point- I'm not too sure if it was anxiety or because I was cold, so I pulled him down and he wrapped himself around me. 

We lay there spooning for the longest time before I broke the silence. "I'm broken."

I felt Matt's body stiffen and he tighten his grip around me, almost as if he was afraid I was going to run away. "Tor.."

I turned so that I was facing him and staring right into his eyes. "Do you not realize that you have been putting up with my crazy from day 1. You have been so patient with me, especially when I don't deserve it."
"Tor, I love you. I would give up anything just so I could hold you every night. There's nothing that you can say to me to make me change my mind, or to make me love you any less. You're just going to have to accept that." I really do love him so much, and it kills me that we've even been going through this.

Matt leaned in to kiss me again, and this time I kissed him back. It didn't take long for things to heat up between us, and before I knew it I was straddling him, his hands between my legs working their magic. "I need you." I opened my eyes and looked into his and nodded again, giving him the go ahead. "You need to promise me one thing though."

I nodded again.

"If we do this, you can't leave me again. You can't wake up tomorrow morning and change your mind again. You need to promise me you won't run away from this. From us."



"I promise."

With that Matt picked me up and flipped me on to my back, his powerful body on top of mine now. He continued to work his hands, bringing me to orgasm almost instantly. He released himself from his pants while never taking his lips off mine and without any warning thrust into me with so much force I cried out. Matt was using so much power that I had to bite his shoulder to keep from screaming. It was painful, but the kind of pain I craved. My body adjusted to his size and our bodies fell into a passionate rhythm. I came two more times before we finally orgasmed together. Matt grunted and fell beside me, never letting go of my body.

When I woke up the next morning Matt was sitting up with a panicked look on his face.

"Whats wrong?"

"Tor, we didn't use a condom last night."

06 January 2016

Dip It, Bop It, Twerk It, Stop It

"Ladies! Stop laughing!!" 

I could see the instructor getting increasingly frustrated with us as we kept giggling in the corner of our new workout class. “Sorry.” Sophia spat out, turning all shades of red.

This isn’t the first time we’ve been in this situation. When we were younger, Sophia and me were in competitive dance at a local dance company. As we got older though, we didn’t care for it as much and started taking random community classes just to keep active. The one thing we sucked at though- pushups! Neither one of us could do a pushup to save our life. And what do teenage girls do best- laugh.

Our dance teacher at the time was a very young attractive man that we both were crushing on HARD. He would make us do pushups every time we had a laughing fit and our inability to do them made us laugh even harder. So it was basically a lose-lose situation for him.

The other night though, Sophia and me decided to take a Zumba class to release some energy and get back into the active lifestyle we had as teenagers. Lynn, our instructor, ensured us that the class was a “go at your own pace” kind of class, and that we wouldn’t be singled out as the beginners. WELL, let me just say the moment Soph started flapping her arms around and dancing like a duck I just about lost it. Add some “Check on It” by Beyonce and we were on the floor. That song is my jam.

We ended the night on a good note though, promising to go back for the weekly classes until we grew enough balls to try a more intense class. 

I also met up with Chloe this week! I have not seen this broad in what feels like forever. Our friendship hasn’t really been the same since our falling out back in the Summer, but I have made my fair share of efforts to keep her in my life. The thing about Chloe and me.. we have the exact same stubborn personality. {the same stubborn personality that causes other problems!} Neither one of us will admit when we’re wrong. But we also don’t let shit build up- we say what needs to be said and squash it. So I decided to be the bigger person and send the first text.

“I feel like I don’t even know what’s going on in your life anymore.”

“OMG, I know! I’ve been so busy with the move that I don’t even know what’s going on in my life… LOL”

“Well I miss your face so stop being a stranger.”

We made plans to meet up as soon as we were both available, which ended up being the next night. Chloe met me at this restaurant near my house that only serves food from local farms and local craft beers. It was actually extremely delicious and I am so angry at myself for not trying it out before.

Chloe and me fell right back in to our old habits and started gossiping and laughing as much as we always do. That’s the thing I think with your best friends- no matter what drama might happen- you always have that connection. She also tried convincing me to try the tinder again.. I feel like everyone is trying to get me laid lately!

Other than that the last few days have been pretty blah. I’ve been trying to catch up on work and prepare some things for the next few weeks. Sophia and Paul’s wedding is in less than two weeks, and there is so much that still needs to be done! I’m sorry for the shorter posts lately- I’m hoping after the wedding I'll have more time to actually sit and write a nice long post for you all! Oh and let me know if y'all want more juice on Daniel- I love sharing embarrassing stories from our childhood!

04 January 2016

You're My Favorite Sister

Happy 2016!

Can you believe that 16 years ago we all thought the world was going to explode.. or was that just me? Anyways, I hope you all had an amazing holiday!

Christmas flew by this year.. Between buying gifts, making visits, preparing for parties that we were either hosting or attending, I almost missed my favorite day of the year! I definitely ate my weight in fried food and sweets though- and it was totally worth it. But before I knew it- it was New Year’s Eve. 

Usually we all spend the night together, but everyone had different plans this year. Sophia and Paul spent it together- their last NYE as an unmarried couple, Chloe went to a friend’s house and Jenn went to a party that Danny was throwing at Matt’s condo. Naturally, I was invited and I was going to go, but then at the last minute I felt super awkward so I stayed home. Jenn said that Danny was really upset but she understood my situation. I hadn't talked to Matt since our little rendezvous so how was I supposed to waltz in and watch him potentially flirt with other girls?! 

Daniel {my broski} also stayed home- he had really bad bronchitis so he kind of had no choice. I can’t even remember the last time that my family spent NYE together… Probably when we were in the awkward pre-pubescent phase. But it ended up being a really nice way to ring in the new year! We indulged in the oh so traditional Chinese takeout, played card games and board games and laughed so much that my stomach still hurts. If you ever want a good laugh- play scrabble with Italian immigrants. HILARIOUS.

I haven’t really spent much time with my parents since I was a child, and now that I am an adult I realized how much they care about each other. I know what you’re all thinking- but you have to understand the Commisso’s. When we were younger- we never saw my parents kiss, hug or even hold hands. They never said that they loved each other out loud, and they never were fans of PDA. BUT these two have changed. I don’t know if it’s their old age, or the fact that we’ve grown up and they feel more comfortable- but they’re adorable. They look like two teenagers that have fallen in love for the first time.

By the time midnight hit my parents were exhausted and went to bed. Daniel was coughing up a storm and couldn’t sleep, so I cuddled up with him and watched some murderer show on Netflix. Just in case y’all were wondering- big brother cuddles are the best cuddles. Except for when he tries to suffocate me with pillows. {Insert annoyed emoji face here}

“You’re my favorite sister.”

“I’m you’re only sister.”

“Yea, but I don’t tell you that enough. You’re a cool girl and anyone that tells you different is lying.”

“Are you getting soft, Daniel?” I jumped up and started teasing him. He never expresses his emotions, so this was weird.

“No.” He laughed. “I’m just saying, I like having you as my sister.” Then he punched me in the arm and our cute brother- sister moment was gone.

“Yea well I love you too, shithead.”

When I woke up the next day, I had 3 phone calls a voicemail and a 6 texts from Matthew that said he still loves me, he was mad I didn't show up and some other drunken babble so I deleted them and went back to sleep. We left things pretty chill but there’s still that electricity between us that neither one of us can understand. I feel like the universe is telling us that we belong together, but we are equally as stubborn so..

I also had a text from Dante. I wasn't going to text him, but I decided that I deserved some male attention so I {drunkenly} sent him a nice little message a few nights before NYE and we've been talking ever since. He seems like a really sweet guy and excellent to talk to- but I'm not really craving sweet at the moment. I'm tired of people tip toeing around me and saying what they think I want to hear. I need that straight up no bullshit kind of man...so if y'all find one- send him my way! 
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