23 December 2015

I Hooked up With My Ex: Part 2

By the time Matthew and me woke up on Sunday, it was way past 3pm. I woke up naked in his bed with his arms wrapped around my body, holding on to me for dear life. I think he thought I was going to take off in the middle of the night. We decided to order food in and really sit down and talk. We ate and talked for a long time before coming to the final fate of our relationship. Basically we decided that we are not going to continue in a relationship together.

Matt is such a sweet and sensitive man. The things that he wants for himself may be something that I want in the future, but just not now. I really don't think it would be fair for me to ask him to wait for me, so we parted ways with nothing but love between us. We were actually able to communicate our feelings without tears, yelling or any hostility- I think our few months apart helped with that! I think I will always love him, and I will definitely miss him every moment, but I am genuinely happy with our decision. {Plus- we can still hook up, right?}

Anyways, Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I still have so much more to do! I was planning on having a longer post up for you guys, really going in to detail about our conversation, but I feel I owe Matt some little piece of privacy. BUT I'm so excited to start the next chapter of my life and I really can not wait to see where my life takes me!

I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays if you do not celebrate! Be safe love bugs..xo Tori w
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21 December 2015

I Hooked Up With My Ex: Part 1

Saturday night was Sophia’s bachelorette party. The maid of honor {Sophia’s sister} had planned the whole night and it was literally the most boring bachelorette in the history of the world. She’s a very plain person, and basically planned around her preferences- which led to dinner and being in bed by 11pm. We all knew Sophia wanted more though, so Jenn, Chloe, Samantha {Paul’s cousin}, Maya {Sophia’s cousin} and myself, brought her to Remingtons- the city’s most famous all male strip club.

Maya had bought a more than a few rounds of champagne for us girls during dinner, so by the time we got in the cab to head downtown- we were a little buzzed. Now, I do not frequent strip clubs, but I do know that the more rowdy your group is- the more attention you get from the men that work there. But we made sure to make Sophia the center of their attention though- it was her bachelorette after all! Except for Chloe, she was having way too much fun on her own.

Numerous table and private dances later, we were all ready to call it a night. Samantha and Chloe lived near the club, so they shared a cab in that direction. Maya was going to sleep at Sophia’s house, so they shared another cab leaving Jenn and me behind. Danny was on his way to pick Jenn up, so I waited with her before getting in my own taxi. When Danny pulled up though- I saw that he wasn’t alone. Matt was sitting in the passenger seat. They were apparently on their way home from some family Christmas party when Jenn called, so Matt decided to tag along {knowing I was with her}.

Matt immediately got out of the car and stared directly at me. I couldn’t tell if he was still hurting or angry at me or just afraid to be the first one to speak, but I had more than a little liquid courage in me so I decided to break the ice and say hi. He didn’t say anything and continued staring at me, like I was some caged animal. I started to get a little weirded out, so I kissed both Jenn and Danny goodbye and started to walk back inside the club. {It was cold, and I didn’t want to freeze my ass off while I waited for my ride.}

“Tor, wait.” Jenn yelled. I turned around and now all three of them were standing there watching me. Jenn slapped Matt on the arm, as a sign to make him speak up, but he didn’t. It was honestly so awkward and Tipsy Tori decided to let everyone know that too.

“I’m not gonna stand here so you can all stare at me. If you wanna see a show- go inside.” I turned back around determined to make it back inside the club this time.

“Victoria.” I stopped again. His voice was so soft it sent chills up and down my body. But I’m stubborn, so I kept walking and didn’t break until I made it through the doors. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I gasped for air. I pulled out my phone and called the taxi company a third time that night. They said they would have to send someone my way and that it would take approximately twenty minutes, so I decided to go back in and have another drink, hoping it would help me loosen up again.

I felt him before I saw him. I hate that after all of this time, he still has the same affect on me. Matt pulled out the stool next to me, and sat his big body down. “I really hate when you walk away from me.” Again he whispered.

“We’re not doing this here.” I said flatly. Emotionless. Matt got up from his stool and put his hand put for me to grab and essentially follow him. I looked down at his hand and then up into his eyes. He looked like a lost puppy. It broke my heart all over again knowing I was the one that did that to him. I let out a sigh, knowing I wasn’t going to win this battle, and followed him out of the club.

We stood outside in complete silence until the taxi pulled up to the curb. He let me get in first, then plopped himself next to me. Matt gave the driver his address and again we sat in silence for the entire ride. By the time we got inside, I was exhausted. I slipped out of my heels and made myself comfortable on the couch, cuddling the pillows.

“Tor, take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“I’m fine where I am.” But Matthew was clearly not fine with it because he came over picked me up, carried me to the bedroom and dropped me down on the bed. And by dropped I mean he actually dropped me on purpose. I was way too tired to argue with him, so I got up, stripped down to my bra and panties and got under the covers.

“I..uh..I’ll be in the other room if you need anything.” He stuttered. I swear, put a set of boobs in front of a man and he loses all train of thought.

I was so tired at that point I didn't even respond to him. Actually, I think I might have even grunted. But being in that bed again brought back all the feels. I tossed and turned for about 45 mins before I got up and went to heat up some milk {warm milk always helps me sleep}. I tip toed towards the kitchen and almost had a heart attack when I saw Matt sitting at the table.

"Jesus, Matthew! What the hell are you doing sitting in the dark?"

"I couldn't sleep. Pizza?" He pushed the half eaten pizza towards me. I sighed again {I swear I do this all the time now}, and sat across from him. "Tor, how long are we going to do this?"

"Do what?" I asked with a mouth full of pepperoni.

"This. You hating me."

"I don't hate you." I snapped back. Matt obviously found his pizza more interesting so I continued. "I hate that I made you sad. I hate that I broke us. I hate that I have to pretend every day that I don't miss what we had. But I never have and never will never hate you." And then I started to cry. Being there in the middle of the night having to deal with all of my emotions was just too much for me. Matt finally looked up though, and came over to my side.

I'm not too sure what happened next, but I can tell you it ended with us naked on the floor. Our bodies moving together. Matt knows exactly how to touch me. He knows exactly how to control my body. What to do to make me melt. What to do to make my pulse race. What to do to make me scream his name. And he did it all night long.
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16 December 2015

Can I Get Fries With This?

“I’ll just get the chopped salad, with dressing on the side, please.”

“Ew, Tor. Since when do you order salad?” Sophia asks.

“Since I gained like 400 pounds, and I have a damn bridesmaid dress to fit into.” I shot back.

“You did not. Stop being so dramatic.” Jenn laughed.

Being in a relationship made me fat. I mean- I’ve always been a curvy woman, but being with a man that shared my appreciated for pizza, chicken nuggets and ice cream sundaes really did take a toll on my body. I don’t understand how men can eat so much and not even gain a pound- it’s not fair. I honestly didn’t see the issue with it until I woke up one day and my pants didn’t fit. {Thank God for tights and yoga pants!}

Normally this wouldn’t bother me that much- hello, winter chub keeps you warm right? But, I do have Sophia’s wedding in less than a month, and I really do need to fit into that bridesmaid dress. It’s not like I can just go and buy another one, you know? Anyways, ordering salad when we eat out is my first step in the right direction.

“I don’t understand how people eat salad on purpose.” I said with a mouth full. “Can I get fries with this?” I asked the waitress.

“Victoria!” Jenn snapped. “I thought you gained 400 pounds and absolutely most desperately need to lose weight. How are fries going to help you do that?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Baby steps?”

Jenn and Sophia both laughed. “So, Tor, are you planning on talking to any men anytime soon?”

“Soph, I talk to men all the time.” I recently started working at my dad’s company again which means my days are fully consumed with the opposite sex.

“You know what I mean. I think it’s time for you to get back in the saddle.”

“Oh, do you?” I answered sarcastically.

“Before Matt you were so confident. You were a little social whore. I miss that.” I cringed when she said his name. But deep down I knew Soph was right so I didn’t answer her. “I’m not saying this to hurt you, you know that right?”

“Yea, I know. I just.. I’m trying.” I told them the story about Dante and they pretty much yelled at me for not calling him. “I’m not ready!” I yelled. “When I’m ready I will call him, and if he is still interested, I will go and have a delicious cup of coffee with him.”

“Tori, you need to fuck him.” Jenn blurted out. Both me and Sophia sat there with our mouths wide open. If you remember- Jenn is very discreet about sexual things and used to be completely against casual sex. “What? You do. You’re not Tori unless you’re banging someone. Think of it as getting your mojo back.”

“I’m going to change your partner for the wedding.” Sophia said matter of factly. “You’re supposed to be with John because you’re both the tallest, but Jesse really likes you- so I’m going to put you guys together.”

“Soph, he does not like me. We met maybe twice.” I remember meeting Jesse once, and I was instantly turned off. First of all he's shorter than me- which I can look past if there is a genuine connection- but this guy is a total creep. The kind of creep that bites and licks his lips when a girl walks by... ew. 

“He does to! He tells Paul all the time. He wanted us to set you guys up a while ago, but I know how much you hate that so I never agreed to it…”

“Yea, well I still hate that. So don’t do it.”

“It’s my wedding, I can do what I want! You and Jesse will have some great bridal party sex and that’s that.”

I started to get upset about the fact that my friends were essentially pimping me out, so I paid my portion of the tab and left. I didn't even eat my fries! I have a really short fuse these days- especially when they bring up my past. Before Matt, I was the "I don't do relationships" girl. I slept with random guys, Tinder was my playground, and I was totally okay with that. My friends have never judged my life choices though. And I know that they aren't now- they just want the old Tori back.

I think my biggest problem is that Matt and me never really settled things. There was always a huge part of me that thought we were going to end up together again, but after the last few months I know it's not meant to be. I'm going to meet him one night this week though- just to get the closure my brain needs for me to finally close that chapter of my life. Wish me luck!
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14 December 2015

Strange Encounters

I am addicted to Christmas. Is it possible to be addicted to a holiday? Because I am! Literally as soon as Halloween is over I want Christmas. All day, every day. Oh, and I especially love watching those cheesy Christmas movies. {The Hallmark channel knows what’s up.}  Recently I’ve been watching them non-stop and feeling sorry for myself… so stupid, I know. That all stopped this weekend though…

I had some last minute shopping to do, so I decided to brave the mall on a Saturday afternoon. For those of you that may not know, Toronto malls are ridiculously busy during any time of year. During the Christmas season though- it’s sardine central. Anyways, I decided I would go and kill a few hours. I always love seeing the children waiting in line to see Santa. The outfits the parents plan out are too cute, and their faces of anticipation make my heart melt.

While I was sipping on my coffee admiring the lineup of little people, I was approached by a very handsome man. “Come here often?” That is literally what he said to me. Who even says that anymore? But he was so good looking I gave him a chance to redeem himself.

“If you mean this mall, then yes. If you mean Santa’s village, then..well..ya.”  I blushed so hard I almost fainted. I’m so lame these days you guys.

He laughed. “That was cute. I’m Dante..you are?” Even his name was sexy.

“I’m Victoria, or Tori, whatever.”  See.. lame.

“Nice to meet you, Victoria.” Dante stared so deep into my eyes I almost fainted again. “What brings you to Santa’s village?”

“Honestly… I love to just watch the children.” Hi, I’m Tori the creeper pedophile… like seriously. “Wait. That came out wrong.”

Dante was laughing again… “It’s okay.. I kind of understood you.”

“Look at that little girl.” I pointed to a tiny strawberry blonde girl with a puffy red tutu. She was jumping up and down in her spot in line, just dying with excitement to finally take a picture with Santa. She kind of looked like she was going to explode which was so effing adorable. “I look at her and I immediately want to smile. She just oozes love and happiness.”

Dante looked where I was pointing and looked back at me. I could see him staring at the side of my face, and avoided turning to face him. “You’re a very beautiful girl Victoria.”

“Thanks.” I said, while looking down at my hands.

“Promise me you will give me a call when you’re ready to move on?” Dante put his hands around mine, placed his business card in them and closed them around the card. I looked up at him confused.

“How…”

“Victoria, a woman like you should never have that look in her eyes. Whoever made you feel that way is a very stupid man.” Dante kissed me on the cheek and vanished into the crowds of people.

He caught me so off guard that I’m still in shock about it. I haven’t called him and I probably won’t ever call him but I will keep his business card just in case. But it really got me thinking about how I need to snap out of my funk and really start to enjoy life again. A total stranger could sense I was hurting and went out of his way to make me feel beautiful again. I know that I still love Matthew and he still loves me, but at the end of the day we just weren’t right for each other.

Anyways, that encounter helped me out a lot. I finally feel like I can start to move on with my life and not worry about my past anymore.  I’ve decided that in the spirit of Christmas, I will do one thing every day that makes me happy, and one thing to help out a stranger. {Volunteering at a soup kitchen, helping my neighbor wrap gifts, etc…}  

I really am starting to feel a lot better and more like myself as each day goes by. Maybe I should give Dante a call… coffee is harmless right? 
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09 December 2015

The End

Matthew and me had an amazing connection. We still do. We just aren't together anymore. I'm not going to sit here and bash the man that I'm clearly still in love with, so I'll try and be as neutral about this as I can...

Things started getting weird after the whole "I'm never getting married" thing and just continued to escalate. I was sick in bed for almost a week with the flu, and Matthew wouldn't even come and see me. I originally thought it was because he's a germaphobe but he was just icing me out. But he just didn't want to be around the woman that he thought didn't really love him.

When I started to feel better, we hung out a few times, but not as often as usual. And our phone / text conversations were very short and to the point. I knew something was up, but every time I tried to talk to him, he just changed the subject or pushed me away {not physically- obvi!}. Finally, one night, I had had enough of the weird vibe between us- so I sat on him and made him talk to me. I literally sat on him so that he couldn’t get up and was basically forced to look me in the eyes and talk.

He started off by saying that the fact that I wasn’t considering marrying him was really weighing heavy on him, and that’s all he could think about since we had that conversation. Matthew is such a huge burly man that I forget how sensitive he really is, and hearing him say all of these things really broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to just wrap my arms around him and cry with him but I knew I couldn’t. I’ve been in relationships that ended because of me putting my feelings aside for the other person, and I didn’t want to resent Matt in the future.

“Just because I made a comment about not wanting to get married- which I said out of frustration of planning a wedding- doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be with you forever. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. And who knows, maybe in a year or even a month I might have a different opinion. I just don’t want to get married right now.”

“Tor, please don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Tor, stop.”

“Stop what, Matthew?”

“Stop trying to twist your words with me. You said what you felt and I’m respecting that, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.”

At this point I was getting heated, so I got up off of him and started pacing around his condo. Matthew has never spoken to me in that tone- and I don’t respond well to people talking down to me. But I really do love that man, so I was trying not to snap back at him.

“But you’re the one twisting my words. I never…”

“VICTORIA SHUT UP!!!!” I almost fell backwards from how shocked I was at the anger in his voice. NEVER have I heard Matt yell like that, and especially at me. We both stood, not looking at each other, in pure silence before he started talking again. “I think we need to take some time.”

“Like break up?” I whispered.

“No, just some time apart.”

“Okay.” I was starting to tear up, but I didn’t want him to see so I kept looking at the floor.

“Okay?” He was actually shocked that I agreed. Like what does this man want from me? For me to drop to my knees and beg him to change his mind.. Not gonna happen.

“Matthew, I‘m not going to argue with you anymore. So, if this is what you really feel is best than I agree. But if it’s not, than you better stop me before I walk through that door.”

I walked over to my purse and keys and made my way to the door when he called my name. I turned to face him and he was right behind me. He caught me in his arms and whispered “I’m sorry.” in my ear. This actually made me cry even harder so I just turned and walked through the door.

That was the last time that we spoke in person, but we have texted randomly. Danny is still dating Jenn so I see him literally ALL THE TIME, which sucks for me but I’m so happy for them. He keeps trying to convince me that Matthew and me are soul mates and we will eventually end up together but I know that’s probably not true. It’s been 3 months since we started our “time apart”, so I think my grieving / hoping period is over.
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