30 June 2015

Birthdays and Bitches

My work week was extremely uneventful. I spent most of it online shopping and getting super excited for Friday night. Jenn's birthday fell on a Friday this year {June 26th}, and I was more than excited to go out and get reckless like the good old days! It's been a really long time since we have all partied together, so we decided to make it a girl’s only celebration. This weekend was Gay Pride in Toronto- a guaranteed good time no matter what our final destination of choice was.

One of our good friends from college, Lisa, has a connection at Muzik, and got us bottle service at Muzik Beach Club {the outdoor section of Muzik} for a really good price. Toronto clubs can get to be crazy expensive, so we obviously all agreed to go there Friday night. Muzik is a very high scale club, located across the street from Lake Ontario, and celebrities are always partying there. They have a pretty strict dress code, but they're always more lenient with a group of gorgeous ladies!

I decided to wear a black and white high waisted body-con mini skirt that perfectly emphasized my curves. I paired the skirt with a black lace crop top, and my new Lanvin strappy pumps. I have naturally curly hair that was not co-operating with me, and eventually ended up blowing it out and adding some beach waves with my curling iron. When I was all ready, I snapped a picture of myself and sent it to Matt for his approval, but mostly to make him jealous.

The twelve of us met at Jenn’s house, and took 2 Uber SUVs to the club. We arrived at Muzik just after 11pm, and the hostess walked us over to our booth where we were greeted with 2 bottles of Grey Goose and 1 bottle of Hennesy. I immediately insisted that the hostess bring us over a bottle of Dom Perignon, we are classy ladies after all. The club was gorgeous. I had only ever been inside, but the beach club was just as beautiful. They had canopies set up around the perimeter with white draping and candles lit to create a more intimate vibe. There was a pool in the center, and the DJ was blasting the latest Techno/EDM hits {which is Jenn's favorite!}. 

Jenn was having so much fun! We made sure to direct all of the male attention her way- it was her birthday after all. I'm pretty sure I saw her exchange phone numbers with a few good looking men, which is exactly what she needed. Jenn was thanking us repeatedly for the night out, and kept sitting on my lap and kissing my cheeks. She was way passed drunk, and normally we would cut her off, but the night was almost over.

Before we left, we made a quick washroom stop before the long ride home. Sophia, me and Caroline {a girl that works with Jenn}, were on our way back from the ladies room, when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around and I was face to face with the most beautiful blonde woman I have ever seen in my life. She had a good few inches on my 5’ 7” frame, piercing blue eyes and natural curves in all the right places. With legs like hers, I would have sworn she was a supermodel.   

“Are you Victoria?” She asked innocently. She had a sexy raspy voice, and in that moment I decided there wasn’t one thing about this woman that I didn’t wish for.

“Yes. I’m sorry, do I know you?” I responded curiously.

“My name is Carmen. I’m actually surprised you don’t know me, because I know all about you.” She said with a touch of bitterness in her voice.

“Okay, so are you going to tell me how you know me?” I asked, getting frustrated with her growing attitude.

“Matt is my ex.” She spat. “ I’m not surprised that he hasn’t mentioned me. But, I really don’t get why he left all of this,” She waved her hand up and down her body, “For all of that.” She said as she looked at me from head to toe.

I was speechless. It takes a lot to shut me up, but Carmen had me completely dumbfounded. How did she find me? How did she know who I was? Why is she ruining my night? Sophia and Caroline eventually realized I wasn’t walking with them and came back to find me.

“Tor, what’s wrong? You look like you saw a ghost.” Sophia asked, looking between Carmen and me.

“I’ll let you girls get back to your night. It was nice meeting you Victoria, I hope we run into each other again!” Carmen said as she turned on her heel and walked off.

I quickly filled them in on my awkward encounter with Carmen, and immediately saw looks of sympathy in their eyes, which is the absolute worst. I have always been extremely insecure with my size, and Sophia has always been the one to pick up my pieces. She assured Caroline that we were fine, and told her to go back and join the other girls.

“Please don’t do what you always do, Tori. I can see your brain working over time. Just let it go for tonight, and talk to Matt about it in the morning, when you don’t have any alcohol in your system.”

I nodded, acknowledging what she was saying, but I could feel the tears building up. Sophia, always being in tuned with my emotions, noticed and pulled me back in to the ladies room. “Victoria, don’t you dare cry because of some supreme bitch. I’ve seen the way Matt treats you, and the way he looks at you, and the way his eyes light up when someone says your name. He want YOU Tori, and don’t you dare let anyone else try and make you feel any different.”

“Soph, I can’t lose him." I said through tears and hiccups. I really liked Matthew, and I wasn't ready to not have him in my life anymore.  

"I know baby girl. It's going to be okay. I promise." She said while pulling me into a hug and rubbing my back. 

As if on cue, my phone vibrated with a text message from Matthew. 

"I hope you're having an amazing night, babe. I'm going to sleep but we'll talk in the morning. I can't wait to hear all about the trouble you ladies get yourselves into! Goodnight princess."

I didn't have the energy to respond, so I turned my phone off and made my way back to the rest of the girls. 
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25 June 2015

R & R: Part Two

Saturday morning, I woke up to the smell of bacon. I mean, who can really sleep once you smell bacon?! Once I realized where I was, and that Matt wasn’t in bed anymore, I quickly got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth before heading down to the kitchen. Matthew was cooking away, so I went up and hugged him from behind. 

"Good morning princess." He said in his deep morning voice. 

"Mmm, Morning." I answered. "Why didn't you wake me, I would have helped you cook breakfast!" 

"You looked so peaceful; I didn't want to wake you." He said, turning around and kissing me on the nose. “You can make the coffee though, since you woke up before I could get to that.”

I laughed and turned towards the pantry where we stocked all of our food supplies the night before. After putting the kettle on to boil, I sat at the breakfast bar and watched Matt cook. I don’t know what it is, but a man cooking is one of the sexiest things in the world to me. {Probably because I love food…} I was most likely having inappropriate thoughts when Matt turned towards me.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked.

“Um, nothing, just what we’re going to do today.” I blushed as I half lied. Busted.

Matt put the plates of food in front of me on the island, and my stomach growled without any warning. “How about we eat first, and then we can decide.” He laughed.

And that is exactly what we did. I inhaled my breakfast. Matt made bacon, scrambled eggs, pancakes and fruit salad- and let me tell you- I ate it all. I didn’t get my thick thighs by just looking at food! Anyways, after we cleaned up and I washed the dishes, we decided to spend the day on the lake.

Matt’s parents have a small boat that they keep docked at a neighbor’s dock. We went over to get it, and were greeted by the cutest elderly couple. The wife, Elaine, started telling me stories from when Matthew was younger, and how he and his brother would cause all kinds of ruckus up and down the beach. I haven’t met Matt’s brother yet, but from what I hear- they’re trouble together.

Elaine and her husband Martin offered to make us lunch, but we politely declined. Matt and I were both eager to get on the water, so Elaine gave us some snacks to take with us.

While Matt was getting everything ready on the boat, Elaine pulled me to the side. “Victoria sweetie, you’re the first girl Matthew has ever brought up here. You know, I’ve known him his whole life, and I have never seen him look at anyone the way that he looks like you. Please be good to him.” Then she pulled me into a tight hug and kissed me on the cheek.

 I was totally taken aback by this, and I didn’t know how to respond so I hugged her back and thanked her for everything.

The rest of the day was so peaceful and relaxing. We stayed on the boat most of the day talking and tanning and eating {obviously}. When we got back, we both showered before cooking dinner. It was starting to get chilly, so I put on yoga pants and a sweater. Matthew grilled some meat on the BBQ while I prepared a green salad, potato salad and of course some Sangria.


After dinner we made a fire in the backyard, and by “we” I mean Matthew. I’m totally incompetent with outdoorsy things. But, sitting in front of a fire in the crisp summer air is probably one of my favorite things in life. We were cuddled up on a log bench looking out towards the fire with a view of the lake behind it, and it was perfect. 

Matthew tilted my head up to kiss my lips and I could feel that he wanted more. So naturally, I obliged. In no time, I was straddling Matthew, feeling him grow with anticipation. I started stroking him through his pants and he quickly pulled my hand away.

"Tor, I know where this is going. But, we have neighbors who are also outside right now." Matt whispered. 

"Well, then I guess we're going to have to be quiet." I responded. It's like a switch flipped in Matt's head, because after that he totally dominated me. There was a hunger in his eyes that I have never seen. Matt pulled my sweater over my head and played with my nipples under my tank top. There was a blanket on the bench next to us, that he wrapped around me for warmth and probably some privacy. I continued to grind against him as we moaned kisses into each other's mouths. When I couldn't take it anymore, I leaned slightly to the side allowing Matthew to take my pants and thong off. His fingers traced their way up my thighs, stopping at the top to tease me, only to pull them away again. 

"Matthew, if you do not fuck me the way I know we both need to be fucked right now, I'm going to hurt you." I said through gritted teeth. 

Matt picked me up and I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me towards the house. I thought he was going inside for more privacy, but instead pinned me up against the back wall of the house. I don't even know how he managed to do all that and free himself, but before I knew it he was inside me. I cried out as he thrust into me harder and harder, but he quickly put his mouth on mine to drown out the sounds of pure pleasure. 

"Tor, I'm gonna come. I need you to come with me. Now." And that's exactly what we did. Together. 

We eventually made our way inside and slept until almost noon Sunday. We cleaned up and packed up the car before we made our way home. This weekend was definitely one of the best I've had in a long time. But, I can't get what Elaine said out of my head. 
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23 June 2015

R & R: Part One

Friday night I went to visit my friend Ellie. I haven’t seen her in almost a year- we’re both equally horrible at keeping plans. But she’s married and has a kid, so I guess her excuses are more valid than mine. Her baby turned one a few months ago, and I was so excited to go over and see the little butterball.

Well, it quickly became the most awkward visit of my life. First of all her house is a mess. I’m talking hoarder’s level of mess. But my parents raised me way too respectful to actually make a comment. I mean- if it was Jenn, Chloe or Sophia I totally would have said something, but Ellie and me aren’t at that level of friendship. Ellie sat on the couch opposite of me, and we watched as her son ran around and got into all kinds of trouble.

At one point I was pretty sure he was going to hurt himself, so I turned his body to make him run in another direction and boom! He trips over a pillow and falls head first into a toy house. I have never heard a child yell and cry so hard in my life!

I obviously felt like a total asshole though. I mean, without me he would not have run in that direction- but she really should clean up after her kid! Anyways, now he has a huge bump on his head and it’s all my fault. :(

Being all awkward and starting to have a minor panic attack in my head, I made up some excuse about having to go home, and bolted it out of there. I've been very on edge lately and this incident definitely added some fuel to that fire. I suffer from anxiety, and one of my major trigger is when I feel helpless or stressed out.

Matt has been so supportive of my craziness in the last two weeks though, and I thank God every day for him and his calmness. {Which also drives me crazy sometimes!} His parents own a cottage up north, roughly three hours from where we live, so he suggested that we spend the weekend away from the city and get in some R & R. Obviously I agreed- this weekend was calling for amazing weather, and I love me some cottage life. 

Normally I wouldn’t leave my dad on Father’s Day, but my parents were in New York for the weekend, so I didn’t feel bad. Technically he left me first, right?

"Tor, we're only going for two days." I'm pretty sure in that exact moment Matt regretted offering to carry my extremely heavy bag. I may or may have not over packed.

"I like to be prepared!" I said while batting my eyelashes. But in my defense- the weather is so temperamental. It might be hot during the day, but the nights are still a bit chilly.

Matt laughed and shook his head at me. "You're lucky I like you."

We decided to leave late Friday night so that we would miss all of the weekend traffic. After a quick stop at the store to pick up some supplies, it was almost 10pm when we were finally on our way. I wanted to drive, but Matt insisted we take his car, so I just played DJ. We talked about our days and I told him what happened with Ellie's baby. Matt's always trying to make me feel better though, so he tried convincing me that it was not my fault. 

I think it was about 11:30 when I started to get really sleepy. "Close your eyes, I'll be okay." Matt assured me. He kept rubbing my leg which was soothing, but also making me more sleepy.

"I don't want you driving alone in the dark." I told him. The country roads don't have any lights, so it can be kind of intimidating late at night.

"I'm not alone, you're sitting right beside me." He was trying to be funny. "Seriously Tor, I can see you fighting to stay awake. It's cute and all, but you look so tired." 

I didn't even have a chance to answer him, because I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later when we were pulling in to the driveway. The house in front of me was huge. This was no cottage. This was a mansion that just happened to be built on the lake. 

"Um, Matthew. I thought we were going to a cottage." 

"We are at the cottage." He was looking at me like I had five heads. "Come, let me give you the tour."

This house was huge. We walked in through the front door, and my jaw dropped. The whole back of the house was covered in floor to ceiling windows. The house overlooked the lake, so privacy was not an issue. The main room had a large stone fireplace and a few couches with the softest rug I have ever felt.

The interior was decorated like a cottage, so I will give him that. There was a  main staircase in the middle of the room that went downstairs, and Matt told me it led to a bar and a game room that him and his brother insisted on. We made our way into the kitchen to put away the food we had bought and I fell even more in love.

"Can I just live here." I asked Matt.

He laughed and pulled me into a hug. "You can. But I don't think you can live with no phone service for longer than a few hours."

He was right. I hadn't even noticed that my phone wasn't working until that moment. Normally that would freak me out. But, I was going to spend a peaceful uninterrupted weekend with Matthew, and there was nothing I wanted more. 
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18 June 2015

Mister Romance

"Tor, stop moving!"

"You know I'm ticklish."

"I'm trying to be romantic, and you ruined it." I see Matt pout out of the corner of my eye. He's too fucking cute sometimes. At first I was silent because I thought Matt was really mad at me- but then we both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Matt had picked me up from work and brought me to his condo. We made dinner together, ate like famished elephants, and decided to watch some Netflix- as per usual. He seemed really antsy all through dinner, and I kept asking him what was wrong, but the only response I got was "nothing".

About half way through our movie, Matt jumped up and went into his bedroom and shut the door. In all the times I've been at his place, I don't think he has ever closed a door on me. So naturally, I panicked. I sat up straight, brought my knees to my chest, and counted to ten. He still hand't come out, so I text Jenn. {she's like my on call shrink sometimes}

"Maybe he needed to poo." 

That was not the response I was expecting from my best shrink friend. She was supposed to be calming me down, not making jokes! But, before I could panic any more, the door opened and Matt appeared in the doorway. He leaned against the frame and just stared into my eyes. I could see some weird lighting behind him, and I was extremely curious what was going on back there, but I decided to stay where I was sitting. 

"Um, is everything okay?" I asked tentatively.

"You're so beautiful, you know that?" Matt said, as he walked closer to me {still acting so weird}. He reached his hand out, and I put mine in his. He pulled me off of the couch, and led me into his bedroom. When we got to the door, he made me go in first, and my jaw dropped.

I looked around the room and it was filled with lit candles. All different heights and sizes, flickering in the darkness. "What is this for?" I turned into him and asked. 

"You just seemed so stressed out lately, so I wanted to give you a nice relaxing environment. I know you're obsessed with candles," which I am- bonus points for Matthew, "so I thought a nice candle lit massage would help you relax."

"Matthew... Is this why you were acting so weird all night?" he nodded shyly, "I thought you were going to kill me!" 

He laughed and pulled me into a tight hug, kissing the top of my head. "Tor, if I was going to kill you, I wouldn't have wasted all that food and done it before dinner." Good point. 

I slapped his chest and kissed him with just as much passion as I felt. "Thank you... so much. No one has ever done anything like this for me." Matt made me lay on my stomach, topless, and kneeled above me with one leg on either side of my body. He pulled out some massage oils and poured them across my back.

Now, there's a reason I don't get massages done very often- I'm crazy ticklish. I started twitching and moving my body with almost every touch. It was almost impossible for me to relax, and I could feel Matt's frustration growing.

"Tor, stop moving!"

"You know I'm ticklish."

"I'm trying to be romantic, and you ruined it."

After our tiny laughing fit Matt started to stand, but I quickly turned on to my back and pulled him down on top of me. "Well, Mister Romance, I can think of another way to relax."

Matt responded pretty much immediately to that request. He began kissing my neck, and slowly moving down my shoulders and resting on my already exposed breasts. He undid my jeans, and had me completely naked in less than ten seconds. There was a hunger in his eyes that made this moment so intense. Matt started teasing me with his fingers as I finally undressed him. Without breaking eye contact Matt pinched my nipple and thrust into me with so much force that I screamed his name and I came almost instantly. He continued to rock in and out of me while I held on to him for dear life.

Two orgasms later, we lay on his bed completely breathless. I rested my head on his chest while he played with my now knotted hair. Before we drifted into a euphoric sleep, we jumped into the shower and what I saw almost made me cry. Scratches. Deep, bloody scratches. All across Matt's back.

"Ohmygod Matthew! I am so sorry! Please tell me that doesn't hurt." I started panicking.

"Tell you what? What are you talking about?" He looked at me with the cutest confused face and I turned his body so he could see his body in the mirror. His eyes widened and then he broke into a huge grin. "Battle scars. It's actually kind of a compliment."

We toweled off and I kissed him softly, afraid to hurt him anymore. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Tori, you didn't hurt me. I didn't even notice them until you pointed it out. Great sex makes you numb to pain." He said as he pulled me in to his huge frame.

"You're such a loser sometimes."

Matt whispered quietly into the back of my neck. "Yea, I am. But, I'm your loser."

"My loser." was all I remember saying before I drifted into sleep.
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15 June 2015

We're Cute Like That

My work week was pretty uneventful. Dean continued to annoy me, and bring me snacks {obvi}. I'm pretty sure he's either trying to make me fat, or he's secretly in love with me. But I get free food out of it so I'm not complaining. Well, I don't complain for the few minutes my mouth is full of sweet deliciousness.

I haven't talked to Chloe all week, even though she's been texting me like a psycho. She's super clingy, but also rude, so she can wait until I'm ready to deal with her. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a total bitch about the situation, but whatever I'm allowed to be.

Friday night Matt and me went for dinner and decided to go to the movies after. He really wanted to see Jurassic World, so I caved and that's what we saw. {I'm such a good girlfriend} It's actually really cute when you see a grown man get super excited about something.

"Thanks for watching that with me. I know it was torture for you." Matt said as we walked to the car.

"It was not torture! I actually enjoyed it." I lied.

"Tor, I saw you fighting to stay awake." He laughed. "Don't worry, I'll make it up to you." He whispered as he kissed my neck.

"Well in that case, I hated it." I didn't actually hate the movie. I'm such a tomboy when it comes to sports and cars and action movies. But dinosaurs just never really did it for me.

Matt laughed at my obvious admission and he talked the whole way home. He does this thing when he drives where he always has to have his hand on my leg. I have thick thighs, and he is ALWAYS touching them. I pretend to be annoyed and swat his hands away, but I secretly love it. He knows that too though, because they always find their way back.

When we got home from the movie, it was still early, so I made him binge watch Orange Is The New Black with me. I passed out on the couch after three episodes- way before he did. Matt loves the show deep down, even if he won't admit it. He would laugh and gasp with shock at all of the right parts and I could feel how much he was loving those lesbian love scenes.

Matt woke me up on Saturday morning with breakfast in bed. Like how fucking cute is this guy. I haven't been sleeping well all week, mainly because of the whole Chloe situation. When I have shit on my brain I do not sleep at all. Matt obviously sensed this and let me sleep in until 11. I inhaled my waffles and fruit, and thanked him with the best blow job of his life. I pretty much ate my weight in waffles, so sex was off the table until I digested. {sex after food = no bueno}

Once we finally showered and got dressed, we decided to go to a local farmer's market. We walked through the isles hand in hand, cus we're cute like that, and bought some of the best kettle corn I have ever had in my life. Jenn and Sophia were planning on going to a beer and food truck festival later on that night and invited us. They still hadn't met Matt, and I figured a public place with beer and food was the best place for that to go down. Matt agreed and we made our way up.

Jenn's sister was there with her husband and baby, and some of their friends so it was a nice relaxing night. At one point Jenn and Sophia pulled me to the side. "Okay, where can I get one of him?" Jenn asked. "Seriously, Tor, he's amazing." Soph agreed. I was so happy that they approved of him, and how well they all got along. I sat back and watched them interact the rest of the night.

Matt must have noticed how distracted I was because he put his arm around me and pulled me in close. "What are you thinking about?"

"Just how I'm going to thank you later." I whispered back. He kissed the top of my head and I smiled to myself. I think I finally found a good one.
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12 June 2015

Roller Coaster

"So does this mean you're my girlfriend?" Matt asked. He had just taken a shower and was still rubbing his wet hair with a towel when he walked in to the kitchen.

Last night's conversation / emotional revelation was completely exhausting for both of us, so we had pretty much the laziest sex possible before we both passed out.

"Well, I don't cook breakfast for all of my other men, so I guess..." I said with a smirk.

"Oh, you think you're funny don't you?" Matt came up behind me and picked me up. I'm extremely ticklish so I started laughing uncontrollably begging to be released. He finally put me down on the breakfast bar, and started kissing my neck {hello weak spot} and slowly rubbed his hands up and down my arms. "You know," he whispered "I've always wanted to please a very beautiful woman on this exact spot."

"Oh really?" I answered.

"Mhmm."

"Well, I happen to know a very beautiful woman that couldn't possibly say no to you." I said, as he gently pushed me backwards and laid me across the island.

"I'm so happy you finally realized you couldn't live without me." Matt joked and I slapped his arm as we cleaned up the mess I made while cooking. I'm an amazing cook, and I can pretty much make a gourmet meal out of scraps, but I'm also the messiest cook ever.

I had plans to spend the day with Jenn and Chloe, and I didn't want to bail on them. Even though I would have much rather spent the day with Matthew. Matt also had plans to do guy things with his friends, so after we ate our breakfast- which basically turned into brunch, we got dressed and went our separate ways.

I was still feeling a little out of it when Jenn picked me up, and she noticed right away. I made up some excuse about not feeling well, because I wasn't ready to deal with the way I know my friends will react when I tell them about the big BF. Not that they'll have anything negative to say, but they're super dramatic and easily excited and I was way too tired for that today.

Jenn, Chloe and me decided to go to a Steakhouse near Chloe's condo. She doesn't drive, so if we want to spend time with her we have to drive down and hang out in her area, which is really starting to get a little bit inconvenient, but we do it anyways. Chloe and her mom are moving back up to our neighborhood at the end of the year though, which is going to be a lot easier on us.

The restaurant we chose has an intimate vibe and really, really good food. We were almost done with our appetizer when Chloe told us about her new plan. "So when I move, I'm gonna get my driver's license."

"Wow, Chlo- took you long enough!" Jenn said, a little too bitterly. I totally agreed though. She is 26 years old after all.

"Yea, it's about damn time." I said as I laughed at Jenn's response.

"Well, I figured I can't always rely on other people, and I won't be living downtown anymore, so it will be easier to get around." Chloe said. I was almost in shock that she was saying this. She had never made any other attempt to get her license, or to break away from her chauffeured lifestyle.

"So where did this come from? You never showed any interest in getting it before." I asked.

"Yea I know, I was lazy." She laughed. "Plus, I would feel bad making Charlie drive up to see me all the time. At least now I can meet her or come down here."

I dropped my fork in the plate, and it made a huge clinking sound. Jenn could tell right away that I was pissed and I saw her sit back waiting for me to react. Everyone knows how much I can not stand Charlie. Her name is actually Charlotte, but she thinks being called Charlie makes her more likable. She's also 36 years old and the fakest person I have ever met in my life.

"So you let us, your best friends," I emphasized that super bitterly, "drive up and down for four years to pick you up and drop you off and come hang out with you so you don't feel left out, but now that you're friends with Charlie you'll drive up and down for her? That shows exactly how much you appreciate us."

"Not us Tori, you. You're the one that drives down here all the time for her." Jenn reminded me. "And as for you," she pointed towards Chloe, "that's some really shady shit."

"Whatever, at least I'm getting it now." Chloe shot back with so much attitude.

"No, Chloe. That's the point. You don't get it." I said. I threw down enough money to cover my part of the dinner. I don't know if it was the Chloe situation, or the emotional roller coaster my body was on all weekend, but I couldn't hold back the tears when I called Matt to come pick me up.
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09 June 2015

Damaged Goods

"Let's get drinks tonight. We need to talk."
"Yea, we do."

Matthew wanted to pick me up, but being my stubborn self, I told him I would meet him when I was finished work. I couldn't risk the awkward car ride. Not that things between Matt and me were ever awkward, but I had a habit of being super weird when I feel uncomfortable, and I had no idea how this conversation was going to go.

I pulled into the pub's parking lot, and I saw Matt already there, sitting on the patio. I knew he saw me pull in because his face went from nervous to relieved to angry all in the five seconds that we made eye contact. Matt is a big guy, but he does not have one mean bone in his body. Seeing the anger on his face really made me feel like such a tool for making him feel that way.

"Heyyy yooouuu!" I said cheerfully as I sat down across from him. {I told you-awkward}

"I ordered you a vodka and seven." His voice was so monotone. He kind of sounded like a robot.

I studied his face again, and I could see his anger melting and the relieved look coming back. He probably thought I wasn't going to show up. We sat there in silence until the waitress came back with my drink. Once she left, I decided it would be up to me to break the tension. "Matt, I'm really sorry."

"Sorry for what Tori?" His response came so fast and almost bitter.

I took a huge gulp from my drink, okay I downed the whole thing in one gulp, and went in to complete defense mode. "I'm sorry for being me."

"Don't even try and make me feel bad for you Tori. You know how I feel about you, and you just ignored me for the last week. I had no idea what happened, what I did, what I said, and you didn't even have the balls to tell me to my face that you don't feel the same. I'm a grown man, Tor, I can handle it."

Matt's face turned cold again, and I knew I had two options here. Either break down and become the vulnerable girl that I hide away, or be typical Tori and lose Matt forever. I carefully weighed my options, and decided what needed to be done. Matt didn't deserve to be treated this way, and I needed to make this right. "That's the thing, Matthew. I do feel the same. And that's what happened. I got scared."

"Scared of what? Of me?"

"No. Well, sort of. More like 'us'. I do this thing where I fall hard for people, and end up so broken in the end, that I just avoid relationships all together. It's easier that way. I've been cheated on, I've been the one guys cheat with. I've been lied to, used and abused, and I can't go through that again." I was looking down at my drink, I couldn't look at Matt in the face when I said this. I don't even know how he managed to open me up like this, but it was coming out like word vomit and I couldn't help it.

"Tori," He grabbed my hands from across the table. "I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't want this to work out, or if I didn't want to fight for you. But you need to stop pushing me away. You need to stop running when you get scared. And you can't keep comparing me to the assholes you've been with in the past."

"But, why do you want me? I'm damaged goods."

I finally looked up into Matt's eyes, and I saw his tough guy exterior melt. "Victoria, there is no one else's bullshit in the world I would love to deal with more than yours." I laughed a little and he smiled for the first time that night. "We're all damaged. We're all fucked up. We just need to find that one person that's going to make those damages disappear. I want to be that person for you. And I know you'll be that person for me."

Okay, so I don't know if it was my new vulnerable side, or the fact that Matt's eyes completely verified that what he was saying was true, but I started to cry. Not like ugly crying {rom-com crying} but a few tears that I was desperately trying to hold in slipped out.

"Shit, Tor." Matt got up from his seat and came to sit beside me, pulling me in close to him. He kissed the top of my head, and stroked my hair to calm me, and I stayed in his arms for what felt like hours.

"Can we go home now?" I asked quietly.

"Together?" Matt asked. This was the validation he needed and I was more than happy to give it to him.

 "Together." I nodded and put my hand in his.
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03 June 2015

Why I Don't Do Love: Ryan {Part 3}

I'm a fighter. I've always been a fighter and I'll probably always be a fighter. Not like physical fighter, but when I want something, I'll fight until I get it. So that's exactly how I dealt with this Ryan situation. I fought with him, and I fought hard. Don't get me wrong, I was so done with him but I needed to understand him. I needed to know why he did this to me, and why he did this to his wife.

Ryan called me non-stop for two weeks before I answered his call. I agreed to call him later on at night when I wasn't busy so that we could talk, but I refused to meet up with him. I'm easily persuaded into sex {especially good sex} so I knew I had to keep my distance- out of respect for his wife, but mostly for my own good. When I decided to call him back, the most painful conversation of my life took place.

"Hey, Victoria. Thanks for finally talking to me." He answered on the first ring.

"I'm only doing this because I need to clear my own head." Okay, so I was still a little hostile, but I'm pretty sure I had the right to be. "Why did you do this? To me and to her?"

"Oh so you're just gonna jump right in to that , huh?"

"I'm not really in the mood for small talk so, yea I want to just get to the point and get this over with."

He released a hard sigh and started his story. "Victoria, I had no intention of doing this. Please believe me when I say this. I just couldn't help the way I felt about you. From the first second that I walked into that classroom, I knew I had to get to know you. And once I did, I became addicted to you. You have this infectious vibe that I just needed you in my life. I'm happier when I'm with you, and life just makes sense when we're together. I know this probably sounds so cheesy but I just couldn't let you go. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. It kills me to know that I've made you this mad."

I was speechless for about half a second before I replied. "Well, you're right about one thing, that does sound cheesy."

"Seriously Victoria, I just poured my heart out to you. You don't have to be a bitch about it."

"YOU do not get to call me a bitch." I tried to remain as calm as possible while I spoke. "I just found out that the man, and I use that term loosely, that I have been dating is married to someone else. You don't think I have the right to be upset?"

"Victoria, I-"

"You, what? Why didn't you end things with your wife before even trying to pursue me? Were you ever planning on leaving her, or just fucking with us both?"

"Vic-"

"Stop saying my name, I know what it is. Honestly Ryan, please don't call me anymore."

"This conversation isn't over Victoria. Don't hang up on me."

"Ryan, everything between us, especially this conversation, is over." I hung up the call, and turned my phone off. I didn't want to deal with his calls, but I wasn't ready to completely erase him from my life either.

It took a really long time, but I eventually blocked Ryan's phone number and email, and deleted him off of all my social media accounts. {us millennials have way too many forms of communication} But, he still managed to contact me only a few months ago. He called me from a private number, even though he knows I do not answer private callers. I obviously didn't answer so he left me a voicemail. 

"Hey Victoria. I hope all is well with you. I was just wondering if you were free to help me out with some side work that I have going on. I know I'm probably the last person you would want to talk to, but I really need your help. Anyways, I'll be waiting for your call. Thanks Victoria."

I didn't call him back, and I didn't even think twice when I deleted the message. 
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01 June 2015

Why I Don't Do Love: Ryan {Part 2}

The next two months of classes went by quickly, and we became pros at hiding our secret relationship. I'm pretty sure no one in the class knew we were hooking up- if they did, no one said anything. I'm not going to lie and say I passed that class all on my own, because I didn't. Ryan helped me the whole way, and even made me change some of the wrong answers on my final exam. {not in a obvious kind of way though}

Ryan never officially asked me to be in a relationship with him. He just started referring to me as his girlfriend one day and I liked the way that it sounded, so I never corrected him. Ryan was also a very passionate person, and kept telling me that he was in love with me from the moment he laid eyes on me and knew he had to be with me. What girl doesn't want to hear that?! It wasn't long before he was saying "I love you", and I couldn't help but feel the same way. {Did I ever tell you guys that I love hard? Damn Italian genes.}

We talked on the phone every free minute we had during the day and all of the nights that we weren't together. That's one thing about Ryan, he hated texting. I always thought it was because he was too busy, but when the pieces fell together, I found out why.

A few days before my birthday {late October}, Ryan called me to plan out where he was going to take me for my birthday. We had decided on dinner, and I was going to meet up with my friends later for drinks. At this point, we had been dating for almost nine months but he had only met Jenn and Sophia once. He was a little uncomfortable being surrounded by all of my friends, so I told him it was okay for him to skip drinks and I would meet him later for birthday sex. {duh}

Dinner was amazing and we finished a little earlier than planned, so we decided to just drive around and talk until it was time for me to meet my friends. Ryan let me know that his brother was coming into town to visit in a few weeks and staying through the Christmas break. He was super close with his brother, but he had moved away for work and they only got to see each other a few times during the year. Ryan also informed me that he had told his brother how much he loved me, and that he was so excited for us to finally meet.

I loved teasing Ryan about finding other men attractive, so I started joking around with him. It was my birthday after all and I was allowed to have some fun!

"So, is your brother hot?"

"Victoria, why are you even asking me that?"

"Because, maybe I'll like him better than you. He is younger than you."

"Seriously, Victoria." He loved saying my name, especially as he got angrier.

"What? Is he married or something?"

"Yes, he's married. Now stop."

"Well, thank God you're not married right?" I laughed to myself.

Ryan was quiet for what felt like forever before saying "Victoria, I think we need to talk about something."

My stomach fell to my feet and I'm not sure exactly what happened next. I remember him talking, but I wasn't hearing anything. All I could do in that moment was stare at the road in front of me, and not say a word.

"Victoria, say something. You're freaking me out."

"You- you're- you're married?" Saying those words felt like I had poison in my mouth. Never did I think that I would ever have this conversation in my life.

"Did you not listen to anything I just said to you?"

"NO! You DO NOT get to be upset right now. Are you kidding me? You drop a bomb like that on me, and you get mad at the way I'm processing. FUCK. YOU."

"Victoria, I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just couldn't find the right time."

"Oh, so you thought my birthday was perfect timing? I'm going to throw up. Stop the car please." My head was spinning and I needed fresh air. "Ryan, stop the fucking car now!"

I got out of the car and started walking. I heard him yell after me, but he made no attempt at getting out and chasing me. He knew better. After I figured out where I was, I called Jenn and told her she needed to pick me up right away. She must have heard the stress in my voice because she was there in record time, and took me straight to her house. We didn't go out for drinks that night, and we didn't talk about what happened. It's been two years, I haven't celebrated my birthday since.
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