Vodka Made Me Do It

05 September 2017

I Don't Know How To Be Me Without You

"Don't even finish that sentence!" I had just finished explaining what happened the night before, and instead of collecting my feelings properly - I verbal diarrheaed them all over Matthew. I also might have mentioned that we should take some time apart...

"Matt, I-"

"You what, Tor? You love me, and I love you. Who cares about what some drunk psycho has to say. I told you I never liked that girl. We live together. We're a family. You don't abandon your family Victoria."

"I'm not abandoning you."

"You're abandoning us." He turned to walk away from me. "And I think that's worse."

I heard the bedroom door slam shut and I sank back down into the couch and the tears just poured out. I didn't want to leave Matt or our relationship- I just process things better when I'm alone. And sometime I talk before I think. I sat in silence for what felt like hours but was probably less than 3 minutes when I decided it was time to finish this conversation.

I pushed open the bedroom door to find Matt sitting on the edge of the bed - staring out the window. "I can't deal with this right now, Tor."

"You need to let me talk."

Matt took a deep breath. His shoulders rising and falling with a deep sigh. "Talk."

"I'm not abandoning you. I'm not abandoning us. I'm not going anywhere." I felt extremely awkward talking to the back of his head, so I walked around the bed and sat on the floor directly in front of him. Even if he didn't look me in the eyes, I was somewhat in his view. "The words came out wrong. It's not everyday that someone attacks your character, you know?"

Matt finally made eye contact with me but quickly looked away and remained silent. I hate being ignored and given the silent treatment - I think it's he ultimate sign of disrespect and Matt know this very well - so I stood up and walked out of the room. "We'll talk when you cool off."

I made my way to the kitchen and did everything I could to keep myself busy. I washed the dishes that were left in the sink. I scrubbed the stove top. I folded the blankets on the couch and fluffed the pillows. I did a load of laundry. I re-folded the blanket on the couch and re-fluffed the pillows. At some point I dozed off and when I woke up Matt was sitting on the coffee table staring at me.

"Why do you always take it out on me?"

"Huh?"

"This isn't the first time this has happened Tor, and I'm scared it's not the last time either." He ran his hands through his hair. It's getting longer now, and it's so sexy when it falls in front of his eyes - but I digress.

"Matt!" I practically jumped. I sat up straight with my knees in between his - face to face. "I honestly don't even know how to answer that."

"Don't get me wrong, I understand what you're feeling and I hate her for ever making you question who you are and where you came from. It just proves how immature she is. Instead of being happy for you, for us, she feels the need to tear you down emotionally - she knows that's where it hurts the most. You need to eliminate her from you life Tor, or you're never going to move past it."

I nodded. Everything he said was spot on.

"Have I ever made you feel that way?"

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Why can't you just let me love you?" His eyes locked with mine, and I swear he was looking right into my soul. My eyes started to water when I saw that his were too. "From the first day we met I knew I wanted to be with you forever. I wasn't looking for a relationship and neither were you. We met on fucking Tinder. But I knew from day one that I needed you in my life. I fought hard for you. You didn't make it easy, but you finally gave in to me and that was probably the best day of my life. We've been through so much together. So much. So many ups and downs. Last year, when we broke up - it proved everything I'd ever known. I didn't know how to be me without you. I don't want to be the me that I am without you. So if you're going to leave, know that I'll put up a fight. I'll fight for you until the day I die. My last words will be telling you how much I love you and how much you've made me love living life with you."

Never in our years together have I seen Matt cry. NEVER. Until that morning. I slowly slid off of the couch and onto his lap. I wasn't too sure if the coffee table was going to hold both of us - but I really didn't care. I wiped the tears he will for sure refuse he ever shed and kissed both of his cheeks lightly.

Matt stood up slowly, careful not to drop me as he carried me away, and I wrapped my legs tightly around his waist. He laid me back gently on to our bed and we spent the rest of the day in a deep passionate bond. We didn't say a word but our bodies communicated perfectly. There are so many things that I wish I could say to him, but it's never been easy for me to translate my feelings into words.

So we're all good - I don't know why I always put myself down - or my relationship. I hate that I make him feel that way. It breaks my heart every time I see him hurting and I know it's because of me. He's truly such a saint for putting up with my crazy ass.
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