Vodka Made Me Do It

25 May 2021

I'm Fine

"You need a break, Tor." Sophia gave me that sympathetic motherly look that I absolutely hate. "You can't keep running on caffeine and meaningless sex. It's been over a year and you haven't mentioned Matt once. You haven't worked through your feelings, and you haven't healed." 

"It's not completely meaningless." I smirked and winked at them both.

Jenn rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in the air. "I told you she wasn't going to listen, this is a completely pointless conversation."

The year following our breakup I was completely numb. I threw myself in to my job, 12 hour days were short days for me. I went to the gym every morning. I was barely eating so I dropped 50 pounds quick. I had a full roster of guys that I was hooking up with every night. I did anything and everything to keep myself busy.

I really thought I was okay, I thought I was handling everything pretty well actually, until March of 2019 when Jenn and Sophia pulled an intervention on me. 

"I appreciate the concern ladies, I really do. But I'm FINE." 

"You are not fine, Victoria. You haven't been since you saw him." Jenn took another sip of her coffee before continuing. "I really think you should talk to someone." 

"I think you could really benefit from talking to a non-biased third party person that will hopefully get you to feel your feelings and work through everything that you've bottled up in the last year." Jenn interrupted my thoughts. "You can always talk to us though, you know that right?" 

I nodded. 

"Tor, we love you." Sophia whispered as she grabbed both of my hands. "If you want to talk to us, we're always here. But Jenn's right, maybe you should talk to someone who doesn't know." 

I sat there in silence. Running through memories in my head. 

Matt and I had spoken to each other {via text} a few times in the last year because we needed to sell our home. We broke up before it was even finished being built. But because we purchased it together, we both needed to be there to sign the sale agreement. 

Seeing Matt that day was harder than I thought it would be. He walked in wearing a pair of dark fitted jeans that looked like they were custom made to fit his muscular thighs perfectly, and a black button down shirt that exposed the gold chain I bought him for Christmas the year before. His hair was longer, which I always loved, and had a slight wave to it that looked effortlessly sexy. My insides tightened and I instantly started to sweat. 

There was something different about him though. He was cold, emotionless and made it very clear that he was only there for business. He didn't even look up from his phone to say hi when he walked in, which hurt more than I could ever imagine. I hadn't cheated on him, I hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment - at least not in my opinion. I quickly pushed those feelings aside though, signed the papers and finally closed that chapter of my life... or so I thought. 

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