Vodka Made Me Do It

03 January 2018

New Year, New Me?

Hiiii guys! Happy New Year!! I hope you all had amazing holidays.

I know, I suck. I'm so bad at posting .. I don't even know if y'all are still out there? Are you?

It's clearly been a hot minute since I've posted on here and my oh my do I have SO many updates for you guys.

First things first - Matthew and I are no longer together. For real this time. I've even moved out of our condo and back in with my parents - which is super weird. But I'll get more in to detail about that later on.

Second - My brother Daniel is going to be a father! It obviously wasn't a planned pregnancy, but I'm so excited to be a Zia {that means "aunt" in Italian}!! It took my parents a really long time to accept it but they've come around. I can already see my mother starting to prepare for when the baby comes - she's too cute sometimes. Daniel started dating Monica back in June, and well they didn't waste anytime. They're really cute together though and I can tell she really cares for him, as he does her. I'm just hoping he doesn't rush to put a ring on it, I feel like that just adds unnecessary stress to an already kinda stressful situation. Did that make sense? I hope so.

Third - Sophia is HUGE! She's just about ready to pop. I've been spending so much time with her and Paul lately. Prepping for the babies to come is no joke. There are so many little things that you need that I didn't even know existed. The doctors are shocked that she's even carried them to full term, they were anticipating premies the whole pregnancy, but thankfully she's been super healthy and so have the babies. I'm so excited for all the new babies coming into my world - I will for sure be keeping myself occupied with zia duties!

I guess it's time for me to dig into the whole Matthew thing. To start things off - our relationship was never healthy. I just hope you guys can understand that. What I've ever posted in these blogs is always 100% true, but it's only a small percentage of what happens. Stuff that I thought was okay to post. Stuff that I thought made our relationship seem "normal with just a touch of drama". But in reality it was all drama, all the time.

Matthew and I had a very toxic, co-dependent relationship. I think we both started to realize this around mid October, but Halloween is what really broke us. Matt had been giving me really weird controlling vibes for a while, and I just attributed it to how in love we were with each other. I was honoured that someone could love me as much as he did, and I loved him the same. I'm pretty sure I've touched on this before but I'm a very free spirited person. As soon as I feel like someone is holding me back, or trying to tame me - I mentally and physically start to detach myself.

On Halloween weekend, Matt suggested we just stay in and watch scary movies all weekend, which is no different than any other weekend. But I dunno if y'all remember Caroline's brother Jason - the super hot, super GAY bouncer? Well, he invited us to his house for a rager that I was way too excited to pass up. I said yes before he even finished asking me, and when I asked Matt about it, his response ws a hard no. That didn't stop me though. Caroline, Jenn and me made a plan to get ready at Caroline's house and Uber it to Jason's, but before I left, Matt and me had a HUGE fight.

"You're seriously going to this party?" He stood watching me as I packed up my over night bag.

"Yea." I continued what I was doing, not giving him the attention I know he wanted.

"You don't see anything wrong with this?"

"Matt - we haven't been out of this house in weeks. All we do is stay in and watch movies. Why can't I go to one party?"

"Without me." He narrowed his eyes at me.

I rolled my eyes. "No one told you not to come. You're the one that said no."

"Yea, and I meant no for the both of us."

"Last time I checked, I'm a grown ass woman that can make my own decisions."

"Well maybe you should start acting like one and respect your man's wishes." I swear these were his exact words.

I froze dead in my place. "Excuse me?" I wasn't asking for a clarification, I was giving him a second chance to change his tone.

"You heard me just fine, Victoria."

"I have done nothing but 'respect' you and you're wishes for our entire relationship Matthew. I have never given you any reason to doubt my loyalty, never made you feel like you weren't the only man for me. Don't you even dare trying to belittle me. This relationship..." I gestured between us. "This is supposed to equal. Right now I feel like I'm talking to my dad, not to my boyfriend." I shouted at him so hard that I could feel my vocal cords rattling. "I can't deal with this anymore. You need to start treating me right or I swear I will leave and never come back."

I grabbed my bag and stormed past him, down the hallway and only stopped at the door to put on my shoes. "I can't believe you." He said it under his breath, but I heard it. I didn't bother responding though, I opened the door, slammed it behind me and continued on with my night.

The party got crazy. Crazier than I could ever have imagined. Jason and his friends are wild. I thought it would make me miss Matt though. I thought it would make me miss the 'normalcy' we had of staying in and relaxing but it didn't. It made me miss being single. It made me miss being me. I hadn't really put a lot of thought into it until that night. I was suppressing all my Tori qualities to please Matt and what he thought I should be.

Matt text me all night long, accusing me of cheating on him with Jason - who I've mentioned numerous times does not like women. I ignored every message except the last one. The last text he sent me was at 3:23 am and it read "I can't do this anymore." 

Guys, I'm not someone who cries easily. Y'all know this. I cried for almost an hour before I responded with "me either". But I wasn't crying because I was sad, it was relief, it was as if I had finally been set free. 

I slept at Caroline's that night, and a few weeks after that before I had the courage to go back to the condo and get some of my belongings. Matt hugged me when I got there, I hugged him back. He didn't ask me to stay, he didn't ask me to change my mind, he did make sure I was staying somewhere safe, and he did tell me that he'll always love me. I believe him. He also told me that he never trusted me and that was a huge part of why he behaved the way he did. I believe him about that too. 

I gathered some of my most needed things, and he said he would box up the rest of it and drop it off at my parent's house, since that's where I would be living. I couldn't stay with Caroline forever. I walked towards the door for the last time and stopped to look back at him. The tension in his face was gone. He looked just as free as I felt.
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